SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
This is priceless...<br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br />For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.<br /><br />For those who have children this age, this is not funny.<br /><br />For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.<br /><br />For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.<br /><br />Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):<br /><br />1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house<br />4 inches deep.<br /><br />2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller<br />blades, they can ignite.<br /><br />3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.<br /><br />4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.<br /><br />5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.<br /><br />6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.<br /><br />7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.<br /><br />8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.<br /><br />9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.<br /><br />10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.<br /><br />11. Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.<br /><br />12. Super glue is forever<br /><br />13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.<br /><br />14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.<br /><br />15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.<br /><br />16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.<br /><br />17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.<br /><br />18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.<br /><br />19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.<br /><br />20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.<br /><br />21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.<br /><br />22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.<br /><br />23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.<br />__________________________________________________<br />Things everyone who lives in Texas has learned:<br /><br />Things I have learned about Texas:<br /><br />Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.<br /><br />There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.<br /><br />There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no<br />one has ever seen before.<br /><br />Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.<br /><br />If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!<br /><br />Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.<br /><br />There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.<br /><br />A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.<br /><br />The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally<br />until October 2.<br /><br />'Onced' and 'twiced' are words.<br /><br />'Coldbeer' is one word.<br /><br />People actually grow and eat okra.<br /><br />Green grass DOES burn.<br /><br />When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop<br />them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.<br /><br />The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few<br />weeks.<br /><br />When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a<br />doctor.<br /><br />'Fixin'-to' is one word<br /><br />A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows,<br />or swimming.<br /><br />There ain't no such thing as"lunch". There is only 'dinner' and then<br />there's 'supper'.<br /><br />"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it<br />when you are two.<br /><br />'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you.<br /><br />"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"<br /><br />You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.<br /><br />You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.<br />__________________________________________________<br />You Know you are from Texas if:<br /><br />1. You measure distance in minutes.<br /><br />2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.<br /><br />3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.<br /><br />4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with<br />no one in it, no matter what time of the year.<br /><br />5.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store.<br />(note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)<br /><br />6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a<br />vegetable.<br /><br />7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both<br />unlocked.<br /><br />8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.<br /><br />9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.<br /><br />10. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and<br />Tabasco.<br /><br />11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.<br /><br />12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.<br /><br />13. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but<br />requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.<br /><br />14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.<br /><br />15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.<br /><br />16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.<br /><br />17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and<br />Christmas.<br /><br />18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South<br />Texas as soon as he/she opens their mouth.<br /><br />19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or<br />"off to Wally-world".<br /><br />20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good Chili<br />weather.<br /><br />21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke<br />regardless of brand of flavor.<br /><br />22. You understand these jokes. If you do, forward them to your friends<br />from Texas or others who need some edumacation.
