SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
Well folks, I'm outa here headed to the Ozarks.<br />Now don't talk to bad about me while I'm gone.<br />I leave you with these funnies. Enjoy. 
<br />See you all on Monday. <br />__________________________________________________<br />NEAT TRICK<br /><br />The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and<br />said, "I'm so<br />happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the<br />trick he<br />has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. <br />"What trick<br />is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I<br />heard daddy tell<br />mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to<br />visit us again." <br />__________________________________________________<br />THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT<br /><br />A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being<br />cross-examined.<br />The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" <br />"Yes, sir,"<br />said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you<br />marry?" the<br />lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered<br />timidly.<br />The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a<br />woman. Did you<br />ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness<br />said meekly,<br />"My sister did."<br />__________________________________________________<br />FRIENDS AND FAMILY<br /><br />Three friends die in a car crash, and they find<br />themselves at the Gates<br />of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a<br />question by St.<br />Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends<br />and family<br />are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them<br />say about<br />you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would<br />like to hear them<br />say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." <br />The second<br />guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful<br />husband and<br />school teacher who made a huge difference in our<br />children." The last<br />guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... 'HEY<br />LOOK!!! HE'S<br />MOVING!'"<br />__________________________________________________<br />NO BRAINER<br /><br />A college student was in a philosophy class, where<br />there was a class<br />discussion about whether or not God exists, The<br />professor had the<br />following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?"<br />Nobody<br />spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again,<br />nobody<br />spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When<br />nobody spoke for<br />the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no<br />God." The student<br />did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for<br />permission to<br />speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood<br />up and asked<br />the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone<br />in this class<br />heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in<br />this class<br />touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. <br />"Has anyone in<br />this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in<br />the class<br />dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according<br />to our<br />professor's logic, it must be true that our professor<br />has no brain!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR PASTOR<br /><br />1. Look the pastor straight in the eye while he's<br />preaching and say<br />"Amen" once in awhile, and he'll preach himself to<br />death.<br />2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points, and<br />he'll<br />probably work himself to death.<br />3. Rededicate your life to Christ and ask the preacher<br />for some job to<br />do, preferably some lost person you could win to<br />Christ, and he'll die<br />of heart failure!<br />4. Get the Church to unite in prayer for the preacher,<br />and he'll soon<br />become so effective that some larger church will take<br />him off your<br />hands.<br />__________________________________________________<br />THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN<br /><br />A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a<br />gala charity<br />event was taking place. Getting caught up in the<br />spirit, the pig<br />suggested to the chicken that they each make a<br />contribution. "Great<br />idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and<br />eggs?" "Not so<br />fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution.<br />For me, it's a total<br />commitment."<br />__________________________________________________<br />WROD RSCHEEARCH<br /><br />Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it<br />deosn't mttaer<br />in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny<br />iprmoetnt tihng is<br />taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.<br />The rset can be a<br />total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.<br /> Tihs is<br />bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by<br />istlef, but the<br />wrod as a wlohe. (My spell-checker just choked and<br />died.)
<br />See you all on Monday. <br />__________________________________________________<br />NEAT TRICK<br /><br />The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and<br />said, "I'm so<br />happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the<br />trick he<br />has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. <br />"What trick<br />is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I<br />heard daddy tell<br />mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to<br />visit us again." <br />__________________________________________________<br />THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT<br /><br />A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being<br />cross-examined.<br />The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" <br />"Yes, sir,"<br />said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you<br />marry?" the<br />lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered<br />timidly.<br />The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a<br />woman. Did you<br />ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness<br />said meekly,<br />"My sister did."<br />__________________________________________________<br />FRIENDS AND FAMILY<br /><br />Three friends die in a car crash, and they find<br />themselves at the Gates<br />of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a<br />question by St.<br />Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends<br />and family<br />are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them<br />say about<br />you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would<br />like to hear them<br />say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." <br />The second<br />guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful<br />husband and<br />school teacher who made a huge difference in our<br />children." The last<br />guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... 'HEY<br />LOOK!!! HE'S<br />MOVING!'"<br />__________________________________________________<br />NO BRAINER<br /><br />A college student was in a philosophy class, where<br />there was a class<br />discussion about whether or not God exists, The<br />professor had the<br />following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?"<br />Nobody<br />spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again,<br />nobody<br />spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When<br />nobody spoke for<br />the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no<br />God." The student<br />did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for<br />permission to<br />speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood<br />up and asked<br />the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone<br />in this class<br />heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in<br />this class<br />touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. <br />"Has anyone in<br />this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in<br />the class<br />dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according<br />to our<br />professor's logic, it must be true that our professor<br />has no brain!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR PASTOR<br /><br />1. Look the pastor straight in the eye while he's<br />preaching and say<br />"Amen" once in awhile, and he'll preach himself to<br />death.<br />2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points, and<br />he'll<br />probably work himself to death.<br />3. Rededicate your life to Christ and ask the preacher<br />for some job to<br />do, preferably some lost person you could win to<br />Christ, and he'll die<br />of heart failure!<br />4. Get the Church to unite in prayer for the preacher,<br />and he'll soon<br />become so effective that some larger church will take<br />him off your<br />hands.<br />__________________________________________________<br />THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN<br /><br />A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a<br />gala charity<br />event was taking place. Getting caught up in the<br />spirit, the pig<br />suggested to the chicken that they each make a<br />contribution. "Great<br />idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and<br />eggs?" "Not so<br />fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution.<br />For me, it's a total<br />commitment."<br />__________________________________________________<br />WROD RSCHEEARCH<br /><br />Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it<br />deosn't mttaer<br />in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny<br />iprmoetnt tihng is<br />taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.<br />The rset can be a<br />total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.<br /> Tihs is<br />bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by<br />istlef, but the<br />wrod as a wlohe. (My spell-checker just choked and<br />died.)
