LadyFish
Admiral
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2003
- Messages
- 6,894
SBN, I hope you haven't already posted these.<br /><br />Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over<br />by a train His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and<br />bruised and he's walking with a limp.<br /><br />"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.<br /><br />"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.<br /><br />"That little s___, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he<br />must have had something in his hand."<br /><br />"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'<br />he gave me with it."<br /><br />"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have<br />something in your hand?"<br /><br />"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it<br />was, but useless in a fight."<br />============================================<br />An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city<br />one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A<br />cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"<br /><br />"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.<br /><br />"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this<br />evening."<br /><br />"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.<br /><br />"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across<br />his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"<br /><br />"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd<br />gone deaf."<br />============================================ <br />Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives<br />at her door.<br /><br />"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."<br /><br />"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my<br />husband?"<br /><br />"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down<br />at the Guinness brewery..."<br /><br />"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."<br /><br />"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."<br /><br />Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"<br /><br />"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."<br /><br />"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go<br />quickly?"<br /><br />"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."<br />============================================<br />Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and<br />she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"<br /><br />She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last<br />night."<br /><br />The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any<br />last requests?"<br /><br />She says, "That he did, Father..<br /><br />The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?<br /><br />She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'<br />================================
