Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.<br />1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.<br />2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.<br />3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.<br />4. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.<br />5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.<br />6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,your body and your fat are really good friends.<br />7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.<br />8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.<br />9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my *****hose on fire.<br />10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!<br />11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, " You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, mymother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.<br />12. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.<br />13. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, " Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."<br />14. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)<br />15. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.<br />16. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.<br />17. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
