dolluper
Captain
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2004
- Messages
- 3,906
The joy of exercise!<br />><br /><br />> For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of <br />> personal training at the local health club for me, although I am still <br />> in great<br />shape<br />> since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago.<br />><br />> I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try, so I<br />called<br />> the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named <br />> Belinda,<br />who<br />> identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for<br />athletic<br />> clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to <br />> get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my <br />> progress.<br />><br />> MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was <br />> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda <br />> waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde <br />> hair, dancing eyes,<br />and<br />> a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and <br />> showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the <br />> treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed <br />> it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed <br />> watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics<br />class<br />> after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I <br />> did<br />my<br />> sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the <br />> whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!<br />><br />> TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the<br />door.<br />> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, <br />> and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the <br />> treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it <br />> all<br />worthwhile.<br />> I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.<br />><br />> WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the <br />> toothbrush<br />on<br />> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I <br />> have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't <br />> try to steer<br />or<br />> stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was <br />> impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club <br />> members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and <br />> when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My <br />> chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair <br />> monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity <br />> rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get <br />> in shape and enjoy life. .<br />><br />> THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth <br />> exposed<br />as<br />> her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help<br />being<br />> a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda <br />> took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran <br />> and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as <br />> punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.<br />><br />> FRIDAY: I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated <br />> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, <br />> anemic<br />little<br />> cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without<br />unbearable<br />> pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my <br />> triceps.<br />I<br />> don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, <br />> don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. <br />> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition <br />> teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama <br />> coach or the choir director?<br />><br />> SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her <br />> grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just <br />> hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. <br />> However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up <br />> catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.<br />><br />> SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I <br />> can<br />go<br />> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, <br />> my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a<br />vasectomy.<br />><br />>
