SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
New York is often acclaimed as the most exciting<br />city in America in which to drive. Who would argue?<br />Herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few<br />basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:<br /><br />To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New<br />York, go to a Knicks game and carefully watch the<br />fast break. Then get behind the wheel of your car<br />and practice it.<br /><br />Never take a green light at face value. Always<br />look right and left before proceeding.<br /><br />When in doubt, accelerate.<br /><br />In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always<br />cheaper than parking it at a meter.<br /><br />Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals"<br />bumper stickers may brake for animals, but they<br />may not brake for you. Watch it.<br /><br />Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't<br />reach the top of the steering wheel.<br /><br />Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't<br />yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.<br /><br />Taxicabs should always have the right of way,<br />unless you are bent on suicide.<br /><br />Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings<br />himself under the wheels of your car.<br /><br />The first parking space you see will be the last<br />parking space you see. Grab it.<br /><br />Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home<br />of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor<br />Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to<br />test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.<br /><br />Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper<br />stickers pasted on their cars. They are interested<br />in preserving mankind, which is admirable. They<br />are not necessarily interested in preserving you,<br />or themselves, for that matter. They have more<br />important things to think about.<br /><br />Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive<br />bodywork.<br /><br />Double-park in the North End of New York, unless<br />triple-parking is available.<br /><br />Always look both ways when running a red light.<br /><br />While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot<br />parking space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot<br />car into a 15-foot parking space. Sad but true.<br /><br />There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-<br />hour traffic in New York.<br /><br />It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars<br />that don't move the instant the light changes.<br /><br />Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide<br />directions. They are put there to confuse people who<br />don't know their way around the city.<br /><br />Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown<br />lanes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down,<br />but for speeding, especially during rush hour.<br /><br />Never use directional signals, since they only<br />confound and distract other New York drivers, who<br />are not used to them.<br /><br />Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New<br />York drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you<br />are making obscene gestures to them. This could be<br />very bad for you in New York.<br /><br />The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed<br />outside the New York area, a signal to slow down.<br />It is a warning to speed up and get through the<br />intersection before the light turns red.<br /><br />Never pass on the left when you can pass on the<br />right.<br /><br />In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the<br />element of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as<br />possible, so as to stun other drivers.<br /><br />Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to<br />make you feel guilty.<br /><br />Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a<br />crosswalk to insure inconveniencing as many<br />pedestrians as possible.<br /><br />Remember that the goal of every driver is to get<br />there first by whatever means necessary.<br /><br />Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!
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