SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run..."<br /><br />I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room.<br />To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer<br />with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not<br />necessary to use it. After you have ordered an<br />"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out<br />and think about several things. This is particularly<br />important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or<br />mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided<br />at all costs.<br /><br />II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up,<br />get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time,<br />get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,<br />shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet,<br />make sure you back up so that it is as long as the<br />human's bare foot.<br /><br />III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the<br />bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just<br />sit and stare.<br /><br />IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged<br />in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with<br />the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise<br />known as "hampering". Following are the rules for<br />"hampering":<br /> a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the<br />left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby<br />stand a better chance of being stepped on and then<br />picked up and comforted.<br /> b) For book readers, get in close under the chin,<br />between eyes and book, unless you can lie across<br />the book itself.<br /> c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the<br />work in the most appropriate manner so as to<br />obscure as much of the work or at least the most<br />important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often<br />reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.<br />The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.<br />Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery<br />and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in<br />spite of what the humans may tell you.<br /> d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or<br />working on income taxes or Holiday cards (annual<br />activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First,<br />sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,<br />watch sadly from the side of the table. When<br />activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,<br />scattering them to the best of your ability. After<br />being removed for the second time, push pens,<br />pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.<br /> e) When a human is holding the newspaper in<br />front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the<br />paper. They love to jump.<br /><br />V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly<br />and as close as possible in front of the human,<br />especially: on stairs, when they have something<br />in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up<br />in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.<br /><br />VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night<br />so s/he cannot move around.<br /> 
