SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
<br /><br />ANCIENT ANCESTRY<br /><br />Overheard between two women at a recent 'high society' party: "My<br />ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said<br />Christine. "How far back does your family go, Miriam?" "I don't<br />know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."<br /><br />DR. CUTTER<br /><br />Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He<br />surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to<br />him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of<br />prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its<br />owner, who asked what she owed. "A hundred and fifty dollars,<br />Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.<br />"That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to<br />over-charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter,<br />when we're not being gypped here?" "Raise porcupines, Ma'am.<br /><br />DANGER!<br /><br />A customer in a little country drug store noticed a sign with the<br />words "Danger! Beware of Dog!" written on it. But instead of a<br />well-trained watch dog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog<br />sleeping on the floor next to the cash register. He asked the owner of<br />the store: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?!"<br />"Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied. The customer couldn't help<br />but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why<br />on Earth would you post that sign?" "Because until I hung up that<br />sign, folks kept tripping over him."<br /><br />HOW MUCH IS A SERMON WORTH?<br /><br />One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his<br />congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three<br />sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that<br />lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now,<br />we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."<br /><br />EARLY RISER<br /><br />The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his<br />chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right<br />there with a tall cool iced tea and a comforting word. "My, you look<br />tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What<br />happened to make you so exhausted?" It was terrible," her husband<br />said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own<br />thinking."<br /><br />BUSY BUSY BUSY<br /><br />Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen<br />said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel<br />incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as<br />a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every<br />morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up<br />at six o'clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is,<br />and go back to sleep for another four hours."<br /><br />HEY CABBIE<br /><br />The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him<br />something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a<br />bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department<br />store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then<br />the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me<br />half to death!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize<br />that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're<br />right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a<br />cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
