SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
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A couple to get you through the week-end.<br />Have a good week-end.<br />_________________________________________________<br />Subject: North and South<br /><br />If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: <br />The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. <br />The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. <br />The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails. <br />The North has double last names, The South has double first names. <br />The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. <br />The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. <br />The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. <br />The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. <br />The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads. <br />The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. <br />In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will <br /> be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. <br />Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store. <br />Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's is plural possessive. <br />Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" <br />Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement <br /> to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective big'ol," truck or"big'ol" boy. Most Northerners <br /> begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. <br />The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. <br />Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. <br />If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words <br /> he'll ever say. <br />If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the <br /> local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.......DEFINATELY <br /> true! LOL <br />Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught <br /> them how to aim. <br />In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. <br /> <br />AND REMEMBER: <br /> <br />If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in <br /> the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. <br />Have a good day! Tell this to some people that ain't related to you, and reckon your life will turn into a country music song <br /> 'fore you know it. <br />_________________________________________________<br />72 Virgins<br /><br />After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted<br />by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell<br />at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"<br /><br />Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You<br />wanted to end our liberties but you failed."<br /><br />James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I<br />allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"<br /><br />Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a<br />long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the<br />inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".<br /><br />These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe<br />and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the<br />Muslim terrorist leader.<br /><br />As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel<br />appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what<br />you<br />promised me."<br /><br />The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for<br />you in heaven. What did you think I said?" <br /> 