SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the <br /><br />hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. <br /><br />Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"? God said, "No. you have another <br /><br />43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have <br /><br />a facelift, Liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to <br /><br />live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last <br /><br />operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street <br /><br />on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. <br /><br />Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had <br /><br />another 40 years ? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the <br /><br />ambulance?" <br /><br /> God replied, " Girrrlllllll, I didn't recognize you." <br />__________________________________________________<br />31 Reasons to Buy a New Car<br /> <br />A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.<br /> <br />Your passenger seat is on the National Register<br />of Historic Places.<br /> <br />Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion<br />taped to your steering wheel.<br /> <br />That plaque that says it was the first car ever<br />driven by land speed record breaker Barney<br />Goldfield.<br /> <br />You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year<br />old on a moped.<br /> <br />As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a<br />horse."<br /> <br />Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside<br />them.<br /> <br />Your emergency brake consists of putting your<br />leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging<br />your foot on the pavement.<br /> <br />Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the<br />engine falls out.<br /> <br />The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP<br />of a certain small Asian nation.<br /> <br />The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days.<br /> <br />The "spark Adjustment" lever broke off and it'll be a pain to find a new one.<br /> <br />Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."<br /> <br />When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I<br />re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"<br /> <br />Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to.<br /> <br />Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off<br />signal.<br /> <br />As you're leaving the parking lot after the County<br />Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass."<br /> <br />It's been awhile since anyone has used the word<br />"Phaeton" when referring to a body style.<br /> <br />Two words: Ford Edsel<br /> <br />It might have something to do with that second<br />"Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender.<br /> <br />Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours.<br /> <br />While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.<br /> <br />For the last five years, you've had to settle for<br />making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.<br /> <br />You keep losing dates on left turns.<br /> <br />The ash trays are full and we all know what a hassle it is to empty them.<br /> <br />The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off.<br /> <br />The Duct tape you used to replace that right front<br />fender is flagging again.<br /> <br />It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford<br />borrowed it.<br /> <br />And the number one Reason it's time to get a new<br />Car.........<br /> <br />Your gas gauge measures in cubits.<br />__________________________________________________<br />Actual excuses written to school<br /><br />My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. <br /><br />Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. <br /><br />Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. <br /><br />Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. <br /><br />Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. <br /><br />John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. <br /><br />Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. <br /><br />Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. <br /><br />Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. <br /><br />Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. <br /><br />Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. <br /><br />Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. <br /><br />Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. <br /><br />I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. <br /><br />Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. <br /><br />Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. <br /><br />My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. <br /><br />Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. <br /><br />Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. <br /><br />Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. <br /><br />Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
<br /><br />But then, so do I!!!
