Graduation Woes in the Family

SS MAYFLOAT · May 10, 2003

My brother (10 yrs older) and I have our own lives going on. He is into racing, and I am into boating and fishing. I might talk to him twice a year at the most. Here is my problem. Everytime an event or something that requires a contribution, I get an invitation. With hardly knowing my niece, should I be obligated to attend her graduation ceremony? For my nephew that graduated a year ago, I sent him some money, but never got a thank you or any acknowledgement of the gift. I know this has more to do with my brothers wife than himself. His wife is the type that goes out of her way to sign up for free stuff and contests. She always looks for something for nothing. She maybe a good person, but I just cannot stand her. Too much of a busy body, always getting her nose into places where it does not belong. I will send a gift to my niece, but going to the graduation I feel won't mean a thing to her since I have never been in that family circle. Last time I saw her, she was 8, and now she is 18. At least this is the last of the nephews and nieces that I have left to graduate. When my daughter graduated, she received nothing from them, not even a note congradulating her. Could be why I am reluctant on doing anything on this matter. Any input on ideas? Thanks........SS

JB · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Been there, done that, Mayfloat. Don't be a hypocrite. Send her a card and wish her well.

bubbakat · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

i went thru the same deal with my fam. so for your on peace of mind send a card

Fishbusters · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

I have to differ a little with JB on this one. If you live in the same town or within a short drive of them and the school I think it would be good for your niece to know regardless of your relationship she is still family. If it would be a trip or realy inconvient then I would just send a card and some $. Of course this is from a guy that convinced his wife that we needed to go to Fla for his nephews graduations. Up until then her sister could take or leave me but since then I was family.

marty_scher · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Sure, I'll play "Abbey" here. Some of the worst regrets people have in their lives, especially when someone is dead or dying, is the feeling "Gee, I wish I had spent more time with the family". Nearly every event calls for a contribution, er, a gift, so that is neither here nor there. Although boorish behavior, it is not uncommon these days, for people not to send thank-you notes for contributions, ooops, I mean gifts

You may not know your neice anymore, but you do know your brother and there may be others, to simply ask "how have you been", bla bla bla. Hell, there may even be beer there (if there is a reception afterwards)

In the realm of screwed-up family relationships (including mine), I see an olive branch being extended here. I vote for you to except it. Good luck

gonfishn · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

I know where your at Mayfloat. Brothers daughter is getting married and volunteered me to donate a retail item that I carry. Cost about 500$. In his mind he thinks I get things free. Ifn people think you got a little more than them, they figure you will never miss it. If you send just a card they will get the message and call you cheap behind your back. Its the thought that counts unless your dealing with kin. Wish ya luck we all have been there at one time or another......

Ross J · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Hang on a cotton picking minute there fellas, it says that Mayfloat's own daughter didn't even recieve a card from the other family. Now I know when others feel somethings important then they make sure they're involved in the family buisiness. To ignore or have nothing to do with family buisiness then thats sending a clear message saying that they're not part of the greater group. This is very common, and then out of the blue there's an invitation to do something that is going to cost squillions of dollars. I don't accept the premise that an event entails a donation! where did that come from. Sorry to be different folks but I for one feel that if Mayfloat feels like he'd rather not play the game then he's much better of to be honest and stay away but send a polite card of congratulations along with an invite to stay at their home later should she look for employment in their area. Then wait for a response. Ross

marty_scher · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Ross J Remember, we are talking family here, so any instance of civility, common courtesy and mutual respect, is secondary.

For SS brother's family not to send a graduation gift may have been petty, or possibly an oversight, but by not reciprocating, may be just as petty and will not help the family relationship in any way. Families are only human (most of them anyway) and to expect all siblings to act the same is not realistic. Some family members may have to "turn the other cheek" (face cheek that is

) more than some of the others, to keep the family peace. They are usually the one's with the strongest character anyway. It's usually the small stuff that wrecks family relationships anyway. I have been there many times with my 7 brothers and sisters (we're in our 30's-50's). A little extra effort when needed, is worth it.

crab bait · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

remember,, you are the 'bigger man'.. do the right thing...

mellowyellow · May 10, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

ditto crab!

SS MAYFLOAT · May 11, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Thanks fellas, When I came to Mansfield, it was to visit my bro. During my 2 wk visit, I got a job and moved out. It now has been 21 years of living in the same town and 5 miles apart. I once gone out of my way to help him build his garage, race cars, and home improvements. This went on for the first 6 years. Since then he has come over to my house the total of 3 times. He never has offered or even accepted my requests for help when I needed it. He never has stepped into my shop to even drink a beer. One major thing that hurt my feelings big time was on one of his race cars. Worked for 4 months on a ground up building of a car for a hillclimb. All those that put effort into building the car had their names nicely painted on the car. Mine was not one of them.

I just let it go as an oversight. It was then when I realized I was kissing his butt to be a brother unconditionally. I just got tired of giving and not receiving. There has been times I have made attempts in visiting him at his house knowing he is inside, but not answering the door? Duh! whats up with that? As far as the niece goes, I will do the same as I did for the nephew, a card and some money. Should do like my grandmother, she gave me money and a suit case to get out of town!

As for the nephew not giving me a thank you, I figure it is because of the new age teenagers lacking respect for their elders. Sad Sad Sad

Oh Well, life goes on, I'm happy with my own life and the way I live it. I have plenty of friends that would help me at any hour of any day, and likewise in return. When all is said and done, my bro does not wear the pants in his family. It is his sawed off, chubby catholic wife that wears the pants!

Thanks for your replies, I gotta quit thinking about him and concentrate on getting my boat in the water.....

........SS

miloman · May 11, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

mayfloat my opinion send it to her heck Id even go regardless of the relationship with you brother and his wife she has nothing with it make her happy show up

ebbtide176 · May 11, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

hello, i may be too late to put in my 2 cents worth. i'm sure you gave some thought to all the posts already listed. they're thoughtful and wise. i like ross' best. not for all situations but in general. i do believe in the greater good, doing what's right, love of family, thinking of the future.... but then again, what is the future? even b4 your last post, i would've said - do what you first thought - send a card, maybe money, forget going (if you don't feel like it). first thoughts are usually what work for me. of course, that's being serious, not angry, which i'm sure you're old enough to do.

when i was a teen, and thinkin of thought processes of friends during that time - who gives a crap about kin(that are strangers) being there for an audience? if they do, then maybe their ego needs checking... lol. me, i'd send a card - money if you can spare it, heck, an iou would have worked for me. maybe a promise that if they will let you know of financial straits during college, you will do your best to offer something - a piece of furniture you will donate, a service to repair something - anything of value. then it might make them want to know you better, and you can avoid going through their parents to develop a friendship. i've gone thru similar things with my many siblings. i love them all, and their kids have invitations to come visit, or spend the night, and even call me up for expertise in things i've offered. some do, some don't. if they want to know how much i care about them (those that didn't get $$$ gifts when i didn't have it to offer), then they can come spend some time with me and find out- some have

sony2001 · May 12, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Post # 501. WOW! SS,I picked up a saying a while ago. " You can choose your friends but not your relatives", for those times when your rubbed the wrong way.

SpinnerBait_Nut · May 12, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

All I can say SS, is not to let yourself sink to their level. If you want to send a card and money, do it. It's your money. If you want to go to the big show, then go. It's your time. Just don't sink to someone else's level. Like ebb said, go with your gut feeling. Hope it all works out for the best.

Skinnywater · May 12, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Gotta go with crab bait here SS. Just think of it as a deposit into your nice guy account.

SS MAYFLOAT · May 13, 2003

Re: Graduation Woes in the Family

Thanks fer the input, I sent a card and some bucks (same as what her brother got) with a brief letter enclosed. In the letter I explained that I had wished I was more into her family circle. Without being as close to the family as I should, I would feel uncomfortable in attending. I just choose not to go to prevent a possible situation between her dad an myself. I just want them to enjoy the moment that is very important in todays needs. I wished her well in her future and opened the door for her to visit or call. I also invited her and some friends to come down to the lake for some boating/swimming. What is ironic is my bother works at the post office across the street from my shop. So I see him almost every day. We wave at each other, but that is all. One of these days we will talk and find out why the past has been the way it is. But I will only meet him halfway in restoring our relationship as brothers. Thanks again for the input.......SS

Graduation Woes in the Family

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