A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. <br /><br />"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" <br /><br />She turns to her husband and says. . . "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" <br /><br />He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft Voice. . . "well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight". <br /><br /> ---------------------------------------<br /><br />Super Bowl. <br /><br />A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. <br /><br />About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. <br /><br />Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" <br /><br />The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." <br /><br />"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" <br /><br />"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." <br /><br />----------------------------------------<br /><br /> <br /> <br /> After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,<br />which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.<br /> <br />Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense<br />of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.<br /> <br /> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an<br /> accident.<br /> <br /> (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)<br /> <br /> (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)<br /> <br /> <br /> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.<br /> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.<br /> <br />P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.<br /> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.<br /> <br />P: Something loose in cockpit.<br />S: Something tightened in cockpit.<br /> <br /> P: Dead bugs on windshield.<br /> S: Live bugs on back-order.<br /> <br /> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute<br /> descent.<br /> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. <br /> <br /> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.<br /> S: Evidence removed.<br /> <br /> P: DME volume unbelievably loud<br /> S: DME volume set to more believable level.<br /> <br /> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.<br /> S: That's what they're there for.<br /> <br /> P: IFF inoperative.<br /> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.<br /> <br /> P: Suspected crack in windshield.<br /> S: Suspect you're right.<br /> <br /> P: Number 3 engine missing.<br /> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.<br /> <br /> P: Aircraft handles funny.<br /> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.<br /> <br /> P: Target radar hums.<br /> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.<br /> <br /> P: Mouse in cockpit.<br /> S: Cat installed.<br /> <br /> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.<br /> S: Took hammer away from midget.<br /><br />H.
