LadyFish
Admiral
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2003
- Messages
- 6,894
I didn't have time to do a search and see if this was posted before, so I hope it wasn't.<br /><br /> GENERAL ETIQUETTE<br />1. Never take a beer to a job interview.<br />2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.<br />3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.<br />4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.<br />5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.<br /><br />DINING OUT<br />1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the vine.<br />2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.<br /><br />ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME<br />1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.<br />2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table -- no matter how good his manners are.<br /><br />PERSONAL HYGIENE<br />1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.<br />2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.<br />3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.<br /><br />DATING (Outside the Family)<br />1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.<br />2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."<br />3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.<br /><br />THEATER ETIQUETTE<br />1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.<br />2. Refrain from talking or yelling to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.<br /><br />WEDDINGS<br />1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.<br />2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.<br />3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.<br />4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.<br /><br />DRIVING ETIQUETTE<br />1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.<br />2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.<br />3. Never tow another car using ***** hose and duct tape.<br />4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 
Than dang husband of mine.<br />5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Than dang husband of mine.<br />5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.