SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
These are some old one's but still good ones. 
<br /><br />Redneck Birth Control (R)<br />__________________________________________________<br />After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided<br />that was enough. <br />The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and<br />told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any<br />more children. <br /><br />The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a<br />vasectomy that <br />could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,<br />get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,<br />put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and<br />count to 10. <br /><br />The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest<br />man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can<br />next to my ear is going to help me." <br /><br />The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The<br />Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the<br />procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from<br />Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get<br />a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to<br />his ear and count to 10. <br /><br />Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the<br />man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He<br />held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5<br />. . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can<br />between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. <br />__________________________________________________<br />How To Speak Southern <br />Hah Tu Spek Suthun) <br />__________________________________________________BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." <br />Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." <br /><br />JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of<br />Florida. <br />Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." <br /><br />MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. <br />Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I<br />aint herd from him in munts." <br /><br />IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." <br />Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" <br /><br />RANCH - noun. A tool. <br />Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup<br />truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." <br /><br />ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. <br />Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my<br />pickup truck." <br /><br />FAR - noun. A conflagration. <br />Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in<br />my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." <br /><br />BAHS - noun. A supervisor. <br />Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and<br />git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" <br /><br />TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. <br />Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't<br />git a flat tar in my pickup truck." <br /><br />TIRE - noun. A tall monument. <br />Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do<br />hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." <br /><br />HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. <br /><br />HOD - adverb. Not easy. <br />Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." <br /><br />RETARD - Verb. To stop working. <br />Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." <br /><br />TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. <br />Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are<br />tarred." <br /><br />RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. <br />Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." <br /><br />LOT - adjective. Luminescent. <br />Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." <br /><br />FARN - adjective. Not local. <br />Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from<br />some farn country." <br /><br />DID - adjective. Not alive. <br />Usage: "He's did, Jim." <br /><br />EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in<br />LA). <br />Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!" <br /><br />BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. <br />Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." <br /><br />JU-HERE - a question. <br />Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy<br />Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" <br /><br />HAZE - a contraction. <br />Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." <br /><br />SEED - verb, past tense. <br /><br />VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. <br />Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" <br /><br />HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. <br />Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" <br /><br />GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. <br />Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!" <br />__________________________________________________<br />This one makes me roll ever time I read it. <br />REDNECK FAMILY TREE <br /><br />Many, many years ago <br />when I was twenty three, <br />I got married to a widow <br />who was pretty as could be, <br /><br />This widow had a daughter <br />Who had hair of red. <br />My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. <br /><br />This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. <br />My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. <br /><br />To complicate the matters worse, <br />Although it brought me joy, <br />I soon became the father <br />Of a bouncing baby boy. <br /><br />My little baby then became <br />A brother-in-law to dad. <br />And so became my uncle, <br />Though it made me very sad. <br /><br />For if he was my uncle, <br />Then that also made him brother <br />To the widow's grown-up daughter <br />Who, of course was my step-mother. <br /><br />Father's wife then had a son, <br />Who kept them on the run. <br />And he became my grandson, <br />For he was my daughter's son. <br /><br />My wife is now my mother's mom. <br />And it surely makes me blue. <br />Because, although she is my wife, <br />She is my grandma too. <br /><br />If my wife is my grandmother, <br />Then I am her grandchild. <br />And every time I think of it, <br />It simply drives me wild. <br /><br />For now I have become <br />The strangest case you ever saw. <br />As the husband of my grandmother, <br />am my own grandpa!
<br /><br />Redneck Birth Control (R)<br />__________________________________________________<br />After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided<br />that was enough. <br />The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and<br />told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any<br />more children. <br /><br />The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a<br />vasectomy that <br />could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,<br />get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,<br />put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and<br />count to 10. <br /><br />The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest<br />man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can<br />next to my ear is going to help me." <br /><br />The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The<br />Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the<br />procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from<br />Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get<br />a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to<br />his ear and count to 10. <br /><br />Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the<br />man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He<br />held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5<br />. . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can<br />between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. <br />__________________________________________________<br />How To Speak Southern <br />Hah Tu Spek Suthun) <br />__________________________________________________BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." <br />Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." <br /><br />JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of<br />Florida. <br />Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." <br /><br />MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. <br />Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I<br />aint herd from him in munts." <br /><br />IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." <br />Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" <br /><br />RANCH - noun. A tool. <br />Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup<br />truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." <br /><br />ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. <br />Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my<br />pickup truck." <br /><br />FAR - noun. A conflagration. <br />Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in<br />my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." <br /><br />BAHS - noun. A supervisor. <br />Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and<br />git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" <br /><br />TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. <br />Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't<br />git a flat tar in my pickup truck." <br /><br />TIRE - noun. A tall monument. <br />Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do<br />hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." <br /><br />HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. <br /><br />HOD - adverb. Not easy. <br />Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." <br /><br />RETARD - Verb. To stop working. <br />Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." <br /><br />TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. <br />Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are<br />tarred." <br /><br />RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. <br />Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats." <br /><br />LOT - adjective. Luminescent. <br />Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." <br /><br />FARN - adjective. Not local. <br />Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from<br />some farn country." <br /><br />DID - adjective. Not alive. <br />Usage: "He's did, Jim." <br /><br />EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in<br />LA). <br />Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!" <br /><br />BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. <br />Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." <br /><br />JU-HERE - a question. <br />Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy<br />Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" <br /><br />HAZE - a contraction. <br />Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." <br /><br />SEED - verb, past tense. <br /><br />VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. <br />Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" <br /><br />HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. <br />Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" <br /><br />GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. <br />Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!" <br />__________________________________________________<br />This one makes me roll ever time I read it. <br />REDNECK FAMILY TREE <br /><br />Many, many years ago <br />when I was twenty three, <br />I got married to a widow <br />who was pretty as could be, <br /><br />This widow had a daughter <br />Who had hair of red. <br />My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. <br /><br />This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. <br />My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. <br /><br />To complicate the matters worse, <br />Although it brought me joy, <br />I soon became the father <br />Of a bouncing baby boy. <br /><br />My little baby then became <br />A brother-in-law to dad. <br />And so became my uncle, <br />Though it made me very sad. <br /><br />For if he was my uncle, <br />Then that also made him brother <br />To the widow's grown-up daughter <br />Who, of course was my step-mother. <br /><br />Father's wife then had a son, <br />Who kept them on the run. <br />And he became my grandson, <br />For he was my daughter's son. <br /><br />My wife is now my mother's mom. <br />And it surely makes me blue. <br />Because, although she is my wife, <br />She is my grandma too. <br /><br />If my wife is my grandmother, <br />Then I am her grandchild. <br />And every time I think of it, <br />It simply drives me wild. <br /><br />For now I have become <br />The strangest case you ever saw. <br />As the husband of my grandmother, <br />am my own grandpa!
