SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.<br />After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his<br />office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a<br />very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you<br />don't do the following, your husband will surely die."<br /><br />"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,<br />and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a<br />nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner,<br />prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him<br />with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't<br />discuss your problems with him, it will only make his<br />stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening<br />by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.<br />Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event<br />on television. And most importantly, make love with your<br />husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."<br /><br />"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I<br />think your husband will regain his health."<br /><br />On the way home, the husband asked his wife,<br />"What did the doctor say?"<br /><br />"You're going to die."<br />__________________________________________________<br />A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and<br />said, "I've lost my dad!"<br /><br />The copper said, "What's he like?"<br /><br />The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and<br />knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked<br />her how many children she had and their ages.<br /><br />She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and<br />Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam,<br />they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy,<br />they're fourteen."<br /><br />"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins<br />every time?"<br /><br />The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of<br />times we didn't get nothin'."<br />__________________________________________________<br />The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with<br />the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. <br />"Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to<br />sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on\<br />stage and light all the candles."<br /><br />"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited<br />to be the one picked.<br /><br />Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived.<br />The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully<br />decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting<br />the moment when the cute little angel made his entrance.<br /><br />The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to<br />play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines,<br />ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle,"<br />and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little<br />boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gesture<br />for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the<br />angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage<br />right. No little boy.<br /><br />The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great,<br />sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line -<br />the curtains belled slightly from the sound -<br />"...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"<br /><br />And into the silence which followed came a clear,<br />boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right<br />"...and the cat peed on the matches!"
