More funnies

[Homerr]

Hope you get a laugh from this one!!!!<br /><br />1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.<br /><br />2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Wisconsin.<br /><br />3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.<br /><br />4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.<br /><br />5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.<br /><br />6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread<br />maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.<br /><br />7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in<br />the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."<br /><br />8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,<br />but BOY, can she climb a tree now.<br /><br />9. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.<br /><br />10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the<br />garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"<br /><br />11. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.<br /><br />12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.<br /><br />13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.<br /><br />14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"... I said, 'Dust!"<br /><br />15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man<br />and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has<br />rested.<br /><br />16. Why do men die before their wives?! Cause they want to.<br /><br />17. A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Canal Street and said "I<br />haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I<br />wish I had your will power".<br /><br /> <br /><br />H.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: More funnies

Let me just add,<br />The 5 questions most feared by men are: <br /><br />1. What are you thinking about? <br />2. Do you love me? <br />3. Do I look fat in this? <br />4. Do you think she is prettier than me? <br />5. What would you do if I died? <br /><br />What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is<br />guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man<br />answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a<br />public service, each question is analyzed below, along with<br />possible responses. <br /><br />Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer<br />to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive,<br />dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,<br />thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky<br />I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no<br />resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of<br />the following: <br />a. Football. <br />b. Golf. <br />c. How fat you are. <br />d. How much prettier she is than you <br />e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. <br /><br />Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al<br />Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was<br />thinking, I would be talking to you!" <br /><br />Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"<br />or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,<br />dear." <br /><br />Inappropriate responses include: <br />a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. <br />b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? <br />c. That depends on what you mean by love. <br />d. Does it matter? <br />e. Who, me? <br /><br />Question # 3: Do I look fat? <br />The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among<br />the incorrect answers are: <br />a. Compared to what? <br />b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. <br />c. A little extra weight looks good on you. <br />d. I've seen fatter. <br />e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I<br />would spend the insurance money if you died. <br /><br />Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? <br />Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course<br />not!" Incorrect responses include: <br />a. Yes, but you have a better personality <br />b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner <br />c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age <br />d. Define pretty <br />e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I<br />would spend the insurance money if you died. <br /><br />Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win<br />question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a<br />Boat"). <br /><br />No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an<br />hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: <br /><br />WOMAN: Would you get married again? <br />MAN: Definitely not! <br />WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? <br />MAN: Of course I do. <br />WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? <br />MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. <br />WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) <br />MAN: (makes audible groan) <br />WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? <br />MAN: Where else would we sleep? <br />WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with<br />pictures of her? <br />MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. <br />WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? <br />MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. <br />WOMAN: - - - silence - - - <br />MAN: Sh&%.

 

[bubbakat]

Re: More funnies

you two guys are going to get a thrashing from these women for these good ones.<br />

 

[sloopy]

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[SpinnerBait_Nut]

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Hey bubba, it's all good, plus the wife cuts the grass all the time. OMG

 

[bubbakat]

Re: More funnies

ooohhhh mrs sssspppiiinnneeerrr