OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

[ezbtr]

Sorry guys, here's the latest. Trying to vent and keep cool.<br />Wife and stepkids(2 boys 9-13), we have one together(5 my PAL and partner) and I have 2 teen girls 400 mi away. Basically, her boys don't help me with squat except dishes and then sometimes after a yelling session from me, I hate yelling(was raised w/ it and hate it). My little guy helps me w/ all, a real mans man. (fishing, yard, Jeep, etc) He would be what i live for. I can be mowing lawn, cleaning sink, windows, and lots of domestic stuff(I don't mind as long as it gets DONE) and they can SIT and watch TV, video games, go to friends etc. I am ready to split and told wife so. SHE is reason they think OK NOT to help, "your'e step parent, you can't spank, etc" , My girls are fine when there here, chores, fun, etc, and so is my little guy.(yes I smack him on butt OCCASIONALY when he needs it and all fine). It seems she has OK'd them arguing with me on chores, when to do them , etc. I know this is the root of problem. I've tried everything I know, and actually when she is not here, I lay down rules and we ALL get on good. Obviously like I told her her boys MILK her silly, she can't even comprehend that, intelligent but NO common sense. I ask them when they are w/ their dad, what does HE do? He sends then to their room., OK fine, but dammit, where is punishment/learning/consequenses for actions? They were outside last week, when supposed to be doing homework, I heard bout it when home from work, I ask wife, what is punishment? She says thinkin bout it, next day , she says they learned lesson after seeing how much she "yelled" at them, they "felt busted" ....geeee OK, but when they got busted, alls I heard was arguing between both for getting caught. duhhhhhhhh......no punishment as usual, what happened to restriction and answering for screwups??? My girls saw this type of stuff and said(I was single parent for them for 2-3 yrs MOST of time). You would have busted our butts dad! I agree. Wife is in AA, and I'm glad and proud of what shes done, but STILL having issues w/ ex from 7-8 yrs ago??? Hello? She BARELY can keep house clean, (I do lots), thank God she lookin for normal F/T(hopefully) job. Get on with life! My God I'm ready to get apartment with my son(1/2 time) on my own! The frustration is immense and I feel like they are sucking life outta me! I have times i come home from road trip and want to get hotel just with my son! I am sorry guys, I'm sure some of you have this problem, I want to know (and I'm not stupid) whats worked for all. And yes I drink, but I don't want a beer when I'm at work EVER. And of course we spend little time together(Ive tried!), now she's doin mtgs(AA) once a day(great) but sometimes on wknds 2-3(depending on who she's "helping" out mtgs. a day? Kids are complaining too. I pretty much spend wknds w/ kids(espec. my guy) on own. She has definitely been spoiled in her life and has NOT had to provide for herself. Oh and again, shes upstairs w/ kids in their room sleeping, not in ours. Like living with another teen , she hardly cleans up her own damn dishes! Heinz<br />P.S. You may recognize this "type" of msg as from a "new" user - I AM PISSED.<br />P.S.S. Ok now thanks, I'm better...... gotta smile or I'll explode

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Run. Run fast. Next time, get the important details straight before taking the big leap. Remember, it is not just about you and the woman you love, it is about loads of baggage at this stage in your life. Compatibility goes way past you and the woman.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

too late to run fast. We've ben married for 5.5 yrs., I am thinkin of bailing now or even better trying to fix this stuff. Important details? They were already worked out and wife then didn't support. baggage is here. I'm 39 not a 20 yr old "weed hopper". It's about trying to fix the NOW , not be introspective into my "next ****in life"

 

[ezbtr]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

I'll be in FL. and GA in few weeks you guys wanna get a BEER?

 

[Ross J]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

You are talking about a lot of pain and disenchantment, you express anger as if sorry for feeling it. <br />You have something bueatiful with this woman and are bloody scared to loose it even though you say you're ready to split.<br />Are you asking how to stop the pain?<br />Is there anything you are doing to actually help the marriage or is it taking away from it?<br />You've reached a stage where you want to fly but the dad and the man and the child in you says, "Whoa there sport, not yet".<br />The fact you're asking the question suggests that you aren't ready to go just yet.<br />I'm sorry man, I really feel for you, the road you face is difficult and long. It's littered with failure throughout its length. Yet there's a glimmer of hope there isn't there?<br />You could go to these AA meetings with her, you could openly show her how you feel by supporting her recovery. Remember the addicted personality takes a lot of prisioners along the way!<br />Take a break from work, stay with her for a week, then decide your fate. It may be less serious that you think at present.<br />Keep in touch.<br />Regards Ross

 

[crab bait]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

bein' a daddy in a stepfamily is not smooth,for sure.. especially with older then 8 year old kids..<br /><br />an with<br />spoiled women/wifes it's tough as time goes on.. gets overooked at first..as it's almost cute..time kicks in ,,an it gets ugly.. pathetic,really..<br /><br />when a person has low respect for themselves,, how can they give it to others..<br /><br />the tie that binds her world to her is her kids.. her kids,, never not your kids.. she'll manipulate them to serve her emotions an needs..many a time ,, subconsciencely, if they (an will be ) on her side,, an not yours,, her mixed up little world is good..<br /><br />but with all... love to hear her side.. then i'd be writin' this post to her, i bet..

 

[mellowyellow]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

what workd for me is clearly defined chores,<br />written down in advance and posted on fridge.<br />this eliminates guesswork and everyone knows<br />what they are responsible for and when.<br />can only have friends over, play outside etc.<br />if/when you take care of biz.<br />suggest family meeting where you all sit down<br />and write out duty detail together.

 

[Parrott_head]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Heinz,<br /><br />My heart goes out to you. Have had a couple of close freinds going through what you are. They also wanted to make the situation work and were willing to work hard at it. One had pretty good results with family counselor.<br />Here is a website/forum that deals with step parenting issues.<br /> http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psstepparent <br />It is part of the ParentSoup website and has been handy for me a couple of times with advice from people that have been there and what worked for them.<br /><br />Good Luck.

 

[Bigfun]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Your making a fools bet if you think you can change her behavior. Also you don't want to wait and hope that your son does'nt end up like your steps, remember shes raising him also. Do you want your son to be influensed by whats coming in a few years from your steps. multiply their behavior X's ten. Teens that can manipulate their parents are dangerous. I whould not take that chance with my son. I think you are skrewed. If you divorce you will just visit your son and he will probibly end up like your steps. He might have a chance with you their. Booze, drugs and family a recipe for disaster and it's always the kids who get hurt.

 

[deofc]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Tough situation.......probably can't be fixed. Only YOU can adjust to it. Kind of like herding cats..not impossible but terribly hard and frustating. Drinking won't/can't help. Counseling doesn't always work. have to come to some kind of terms with the wife. Sorry.

 

[LubeDude]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Its really simple. <br /><br />Youre a Republican!<br /><br />And shes a Democrat!

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Heinz,<br /><br />I'm in Milton Florida, right by Pensacola. If you are out this way, please come visit I would love have a beer with you a talk this thing over. Likek any iBoats member, you are welcome at my home anytime, night or day.

 

[kenimpzoom]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Make her read this post. If she gets POed and defensive, its over. If she says she is sorry and wants to fix things, then give it a try.<br /><br />Also, as far as her kids, you need to get a straight answer from wife. Either they are going to respect you and help with the housework, or wife will take care of it all. If wife says she will take care of it, then explain to her you are washing your hands of all parenting, including telling her when the kids are doing wrong things. Just stay completely out of it (hard to do I know, but much less stressful).<br /><br />Also, yelling is part of being a parent. Kids dont listen. I have to tell the 8 year old son about 5 times to do something, each time getting louder. That is just the way it is with some kids.<br /><br />Ken

 

[knobby]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Bad figs will ruin good figs if you keep them in the same basket.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Originally posted by Ross J:<br />You are talking about a lot of pain and disenchantment, you express anger as if sorry for feeling it. <br />You have something bueatiful with this woman and are bloody scared to loose it even though you say you're ready to split.<br />Are you asking how to stop the pain?<br />Is there anything you are doing to actually help the marriage or is it taking away from it?<br />You've reached a stage where you want to fly but the dad and the man and the child in you says, "Whoa there sport, not yet".<br />The fact you're asking the question suggests that you aren't ready to go just yet.<br />I'm sorry man, I really feel for you, the road you face is difficult and long. It's littered with failure throughout its length. Yet there's a glimmer of hope there isn't there?<br />You could go to these AA meetings with her, you could openly show her how you feel by supporting her recovery. Remember the addicted personality takes a lot of prisioners along the way!<br />Take a break from work, stay with her for a week, then decide your fate. It may be less serious that you think at present.<br />Keep in touch.<br />Regards Ross

Yeah some hope, been buggin her bout counseling for 2 yrs! Told her Im rdy to leave and counseling is last step. I really dont want my boy growing up in this environment, mind you Im no saint, but a damn good dad to him, we do everything together. I'd almost think better for me to have him 50/50, and no arguments for him to hear, god you should hear them all yell, thats why I went wireless in garage, QUIET.(and no waiting for pc). Asked bout AA, she says not at her mtgs, could go to AlAnon, havent yet. Have tried to make lots of stuff round house easier, geez, I scour sink, put my laundry in hamper in garage(and do it lately), help with dishes(but not when kids supposed to do em), vaccuum, clean windows, fridge ,not leave mess all over house like her and other kids. They all see me doing this,(I try to set godd example) do I get any help volunteered? NO. You should see bedroom/office her pc is in, I can't even barely walk in there w/o tripping over something! Oh and the upstairs kids bedroom? Yuk, at least can close door. I've supported ALL she does, put beer/wine in garage if she wants me to, ALWAYS watching kids.(I really dont mind)she took a whole damn day last wknd to go to 3 mtgs w/ new girlfriend to help her. She abuses situations I beleive. Take a break with her? I can't even talk to her. Am looking fwd. to counseling. Have also repeatedly said we need time for just us, she says yes but NEVER does a thing about it. Something will ALWAYS come up. Always an excuse for her behavior. We'll see I suppose, Thanks, Heinz

 

[boatingfool]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Was she like this before you guys married?<br /><br />It doesnt sound like something that happened overnight.<br /><br />I would be wary of all these "AA" meetings she is going to.<br /><br />It sure sounds like an awful lot of "meetings" to me.<br />Especialy since she is secretive about them and will not allow you to go with her.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Originally posted by mellowyellow:<br />what workd for me is clearly defined chores,<br />written down in advance and posted on fridge.<br />this eliminates guesswork and everyone knows<br />what they are responsible for and when.<br />can only have friends over, play outside etc.<br />if/when you take care of biz.<br />suggest family meeting where you all sit down<br />and write out duty detail together.

Tried that, will write list again, but their mom always lets em slide. Same with chores first then fun. They just dont have to pay for any consequences most of time.

 

[ezbtr]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Originally posted by Parrott_head:<br />Heinz,<br /><br />My heart goes out to you. Have had a couple of close freinds going through what you are. They also wanted to make the situation work and were willing to work hard at it. One had pretty good results with family counselor.<br />Here is a website/forum that deals with step parenting issues.<br /> http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psstepparent <br />It is part of the ParentSoup website and has been handy for me a couple of times with advice from people that have been there and what worked for them.<br /><br />Good Luck.

Thanks, I'll check out site, Heinz

 

[aspeck]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Heinz, I hear ya and feel for you! Lots of good advice here, but we are only hearing one side of it (and no offense, but there are always two). Unfortunately you cannot change anyone else, only yourself. So trying to change the step kids and her is impossible. With that said, maybe there are some things you can do that will help her see her need to change.<br /><br />Different people respond to different stimuli. Some will respond to direct confrontation, others may need gentle persuasion, others something else. Your job, if you decide to accept it, it is to find what will work for her and the kids. Something has caused her to get wrapped up in the kids and ignore you. Are you on the road too much for her and she feels neglected? Could she be seeing your working around the house a way for you to make up for all the terrible things you have done to them (not saying you did, just giving you some ideas to what might be going on in her head).<br /><br />Somehow, pull the right strings to find out what is happening in her head and go from there. It is not really about you, and it is not about her, it is about "US" - your (plural) marriage, and your (plural) peace. Good luck in your quest and I will be praying that you will find the right keys.

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: OK here I go again.....grrrrrrr - "blended families"

Boatingfool, dittos on the "meetings" thing. I have personally been through that. It killed me. Hienz, I am (amoung MANY other things) a private investigator. Go right now to Radio Shack and get a phone tap and tap your phone. Do it now, and brace yourself for the very worst that you may hear. Second, borrow a buddies car that she is not real familiar with and shadow to her to some of these "meetings."<br /><br />Hienz, if I can help, shoot me an email and we can discuss your options. It was my P.I. profession that led me to "find out" what was going on. It is the only way to know for sure. Peace brother, and a big hug.