If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and <br />Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. <br />They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.<br /><br />You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:<br /><br />Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.<br /><br />Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"<br /><br />An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on <br />the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do <br />wonders for the old beer belly.<br /><br />An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.<br /><br />If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.<br /><br />Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also <br />developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.<br /><br />They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."<br /><br />And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.<br /><br />An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the <br />top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.<br /><br />Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right <br />now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.<br /><br />Share this with your senior friends (It's purposely in big type for us old guys...)
