SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
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- Aug 25, 2002
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. <br />Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. <br />After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, 'You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.' <br />But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. <br />Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. <br />The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. <br />'What did he say?' asked the Ranger. <br />The lawyer answered, 'He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'' 
<br />__________________________________________________<br /><br />A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:<br />'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.'<br />'Well put,' the judge replied 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'<br />The defendant smiled With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. <br />__________________________________________________<br /><br />An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. <br />She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.<br /><br />She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.<br /><br />Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills that amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.<br /><br />The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.<br /><br />The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.<br /><br />'Was it an inheritance?' he asked.<br /><br />'No,' she answered.<br /><br />'Was it from playing the stock market?' he inquired.<br /><br />'No,' she replied.<br /><br />He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million.<br /><br />'I bet,' she stated.<br /><br />'As in horses?' he asked.<br /><br />'No,' she replied.<br /><br />'I bet people.'<br /><br />Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people.<br /><br />All of a sudden she said, 'I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your ----'s will be square.'<br /><br />The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet.<br /><br />He didn't know how he could lose.<br /><br />For the rest of the day he was very careful.<br /><br />He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.<br /><br />When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay.<br /><br />There was no difference in his uhh, appearance.<br /><br />He looked the same as he always had.<br /><br />He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.<br /><br />He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?<br /><br />At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office.<br /><br />With her was a man.<br /><br />When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.<br /><br />'Well,' she asked, 'what about our bet?'<br /><br />'I don't know how to tell you this,' he replied, 'but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!'<br /><br />The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.<br /><br />The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.<br /><br />She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.<br /><br />Sure enough, everything was fine.<br /><br />His ----'s were not square.<br /><br />The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall.<br /><br />'What's wrong with him?' he inquired.<br /><br />'Oh, him,' she answered.<br /><br />I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the ----s.'
<br />__________________________________________________<br /><br />A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:<br />'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.'<br />'Well put,' the judge replied 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'<br />The defendant smiled With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. <br />__________________________________________________<br /><br />An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. <br />She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.<br /><br />She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.<br /><br />Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills that amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.<br /><br />The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.<br /><br />The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.<br /><br />'Was it an inheritance?' he asked.<br /><br />'No,' she answered.<br /><br />'Was it from playing the stock market?' he inquired.<br /><br />'No,' she replied.<br /><br />He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million.<br /><br />'I bet,' she stated.<br /><br />'As in horses?' he asked.<br /><br />'No,' she replied.<br /><br />'I bet people.'<br /><br />Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people.<br /><br />All of a sudden she said, 'I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your ----'s will be square.'<br /><br />The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet.<br /><br />He didn't know how he could lose.<br /><br />For the rest of the day he was very careful.<br /><br />He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.<br /><br />When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay.<br /><br />There was no difference in his uhh, appearance.<br /><br />He looked the same as he always had.<br /><br />He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.<br /><br />He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?<br /><br />At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office.<br /><br />With her was a man.<br /><br />When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.<br /><br />'Well,' she asked, 'what about our bet?'<br /><br />'I don't know how to tell you this,' he replied, 'but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!'<br /><br />The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.<br /><br />The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.<br /><br />She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.<br /><br />Sure enough, everything was fine.<br /><br />His ----'s were not square.<br /><br />The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall.<br /><br />'What's wrong with him?' he inquired.<br /><br />'Oh, him,' she answered.<br /><br />I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the ----s.' 
