Taken Advantaged of

[SS MAYFLOAT]

This is an update on the situation here at the Mayfloats house. Not good at all. Carl spent another week in the physic ward. Spent Christmas there and didn't seem to bother him at all.<br /><br />The courts magistrate scheduled an emergency hearing on the day he was released. So he went straight from the hospital to the court.<br /><br />When we picked him up, he was not remorseful at all. It was like it wasn't his fault this situation happened. So took him to the hearing, the magistate gave him 14 days house arrest, 90 days probation with 30 days detention suspended. If he breaks house arrest or probation another 30 days is added to his detention.<br /><br />First couple of days were rough trying to enforce the house rules. I can tell right now this is not going to work out. My main goal and concern is him doing his homeschool work. He pretty much refuses to do it. He is 2/3 done with only 35 tests to go out of 108. This is about the only thing we butt heads on. I don't think he wants his diploma yet because he is not ready to be an adult. At least in his mind.<br /><br />Hopefully this coming week the probation officer can set goals for him to abide by. Then if he don't abide by the PO, I guess he will end up doing his detention. I think this is what may have to happen since he refuses to follow any authority by anyone.<br /><br />Problem 2 that Carl has generated. He wants to go live with his mom in another town. To me this is a bad idea. I gave custody of my adopted daughter to her mom. She did not finish school under her custody, and also her mom is now raising our grand daughter. When I transferred custody, I had to pay support for my daughter which I had no problems with. Somehow when the custody for my daughter got transferred, my son Carl got lost or hidden in the system. Technically my ex should have been paying me support for Carl after my daughter was emancipated. However since my ex was involved in a bad auto accident, she hasn't been able to work.(she didn't work when she was able, but that is besides the point). <br /><br />I didn't press or push the Child support issue with Carl. Just gave her a break so she wouldn't be forced to pay support. Trying to be nice on my part. Now Carl is wanting to go spend the rest of his custody with his mom. I tried to explain to him that this is just a way for him to run from his problems instead of confronting them and dealing with the problems. I told him also that this can cause problems with his mom with not paying past support.<br /><br />I just wish he would do his school work, quit telling lies, and work his problems out.<br /><br />I just don't want to be "NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY"<br /><br />Thanks for your support, it does help re-enforce the ole backbone.

 

[mellowyellow]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

howdy mayfloat, did the doctors make any diagnosis<br />re: Carl?

 

[gonfishn]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

I have been following your Challenge here SS. and tip my hat to you for the fortitude you have shown from the beginning.<br />As parents we serve as guides for our children throughout their young years..There comes a time when they must take reponsibilty for their actions no matter how hard it is for us to sit back and hope for the best..<br />Its easy to offer suggestions, but we are not walking in your shoes. I hope things work out for you and only wish the best in the path you have taken..

 

[Andrew Leigh]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

Hi SS<br /><br />SS hang tough. It aint gonna be easy. I'll bet the stress levels are getting pretty intolerable, this too will impact on your health if you dont look after yourself. Make sure you eat well and keep focused for the task at hand.<br /><br />I am no shrink but I would think that at present you need to fix the cause and not the symptom. The cause...I don't know you will need to find out.... the symptom is not doing his school work. You will probably not understand but i'll bet that he's just as frustrated as you, just as angry, just as confused and just as sick and tired of the issue. His problem is that he is less equipped than you to deal with it.<br /><br />By way of example and in no way drawing parallels to your plight. My stepson, a naturally and incredably bright kid decided to leave us (wife and I) when 13 to stay with his "dad" as he was unable to accept my authority ( married two months). My wife conceded as there was a history of glue sniffing smoking etc. I told her no and that she was abdicating it was time to get him straight, she still let him go. What followed was a period of no supervision from "dad" and having to do homework in the bar lounge whilst "dad" got rats arse drunk. He managed to pass school and went off to university. Failed mid year and was physically kicked (broken ribs) out by "dad" for being lazy and abusing substances (from a alchoholic?). I told the wife to bring him up to us 1000 miles away.<br /><br />Enrolled him into varsity, treated him like an adult and he crashed. All night raves and ecstacy led to a severe drop in personal hygene standards and marks. Got into debt and underhandedly sold the car I bought him to defray his debt. He failed two years at varsity and I put my foot down, he went out and got a job as a door to door vendor. Was going to make millions.<br /><br />The behaviour pattern continued and I held fast, Fortunately my character allows me to never "loose it" and I remain calm 99% of the time. This allowed me to be consistent in my approach to the problem. My wife on the other hand tends to overreact to such situations and toys got thrown out the cot on a regular basis followed by a two year depression). She did not help, she further reinforced his opinions as he is of the same nature.<br /><br />I would constantly reinforce my opinion of him by telling him that he was clever and that he was going to be a success one day whether he believed it or not. I would also tell him that I cared for him but that my care would not be shown by capitulating to his outrageous behaviour. I would also tell my missus to back off as the basic foundation she gave him growing up before he left would eventually come through. I would repeatedly tell him that I was "more interested in his character than his comfort".<br /><br />He cost me plenty, emotionally and financially. It even cost me my natural daughter who became estranged during this period as my wife totally rejected her. She remains estranged.<br /><br />Today he's happily married and at 28 has three boy's and a house. He is still lazy but is 1000x better. He works for our largest bank as a programmer and has been identified as a young professional of value. He is on an intensive fast tracking program to get him ready for the next step. He is SUCCESSFUL. I AM PROUD.<br /><br />It took 10 years to get there. I hope you can get something from my experience which is by no means definitive but has a happy ending.<br /><br />Don't be judgemental of him. Judge the act and not the person.<br /><br />Now a hard part, you need to look at your own actions. Do what you say and do line up? Are you being consistant in your treatment of him. If not you need to adjust your behaviour, remember "if you keep doing what you've always done you will alweays get the same result".<br /><br />I hope nothing in the content above offends you as it was never meant to.<br /><br />Finally, when last did you put your arms around him and tell him you love him. A very hard thing to do as males, especially for me.<br /><br />Good luck, you will get there even if it does not appear so now.<br /><br />Cheers<br />Andrew<br /><br />PS: When I was 20 my father knew nothing. When I turned 30 I was amazed to see how much he had learnt in the last 10 years. Carl will one day realize this as we all have.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

MY, just that he has an anger problem. Something that didn't take a degree to know. They scheduled couseling through a center in town. Found out my insurance won't cover them. They want $220 an hour. The first 3 sessions, each will be 2 hours long? Cha Ching! I make too much to qualify for a discount. Needless to say, I'm getting a doctor that is listed by my insurance provider.<br /><br />I think those fees are rediculous. There is no way I can pay that and meet my obligations of the household.<br /><br />All I can do is let time take its course and stand firm on my house rules.

 

[boatingfool]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

I hope things get better SS.<br /><br />Any Diagnosis??<br /><br />Any meds they can give him??<br /><br />Sounds tuff.<br /><br />I caught my 14 yr old daughter burning bookmarks in her room yesturday.<br /><br />I found out when the smoke alarm in her room went off.<br /><br />Her reason is "She is obsessed with fire".<br /><br />She is a good girl but starting to flirt with gothism.<br /><br />We are trying to break that.<br /><br />We will see how it goes......<br /><br />Again SS , Good Luck.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

There hasn't been an offical diagnosis. He is on 3 different meds. It really subdues him alot. I don't like it personnaly. It is almost like the illegal stuff he was taking before this. At least its his own presription and legal now.<br /><br />Hopefully couseling will get things out in the open. The magistrate had asked him how long has your anger persisted, his answer was "every since I can remember." This is true. When he was 18 months, he would go try to beat up other kids near or around his size. Has been that way since.<br /><br />Its going to be a rougher road ahead. I'm dealing with it the best I can and trying not to show him that it is getting to me. <br /><br />After not seeing him for 10 days, the first thing he did was to give me a hug. Of course I returned it and told him that I missed him and loved him. I sorta expected a "I'm sorry", but that didn't happen.

 

[Homerr]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

Hey BoatingFool:<br /><br />Wow..burning bookmarks...<br /><br />My 15 yo was trying that witch/gothic garbage.<br /><br />I stopped it immediately.<br /><br />All I could really tell her was that there are somethings in life that don't need to be messed with or can be explained.<br /><br />Apparently there is a nut-bar in her class that is heavily into the gothic garbage.<br /><br />I've explained to my daughter that if she continues to pursue any of it, I will have her removed from the class, her computer will be removed, and any other form of contact.<br /><br />Needless to say... she stopped.<br />At least I think so... I haven't seen any pig's heads anywhere... <br /><br />Mayfloat:<br /><br />Sounds like you are doing all you can. I hope things work out.<br />As much as I hate to say it though...some people just can't be helped. Some people just don't want to be helped. <br />This was told to me when I tried to save my first marriage. My ex had similar problems to begin with, and I tried to help. I did everything I could, but it wasn't going to happen. It cost me dearly.<br /><br />Keep up the fight. It's all you can do.<br /><br />H.

 

[tylerin]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

SS, I don't have anything smart to tell you. But I will say I feel for you and I hope all works out. There's no overnight remedies unfortunately. I do like the hug part though SS, maybe he was saying sorry without saying sorry

 

[mellowyellow]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

well the wife and I just did battle with our 16yr<br />old today. what I try to do is act, not re-act.<br />we can only (barely) control ourselves in this<br />world, no way to control others behavior. maybe<br />the best thing we can do is set a good example.<br />is really hard not to react to some statements,<br />but that is why they try... looking for a reaction. <br />when you "act", you are in control.<br />when you "react", they are<br />set your internal chart plotter on the course<br />and let nothing interfere Mayfloat.<br />we are behind you 100%,<br />M.Y.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

Thanks, it just seems we all have this same problem in some form. Carl was charged with domestic violence which is a 4th degree misdeameanor. The magistrate said that the next time it will be a felony regardless if he is under 18 years old. Reminding him of that tends to calm him down when his temper starts to fly. <br /><br />Even with the meds, he still gets mouthy. If he doesn't end up in Juvie, it will surprise the crap out of me.<br /><br />Thanks

 

[boatingfool]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

Homerr,<br /><br />We have basicaly done what you have.<br /><br />Bedroom door must be open at all times - unless changing clothes.<br /><br />All the "Dark" posters were taken off the wall(Be Her) and thrown in the trash.<br /><br />All the black clothing she was starting to aquire- Gone.<br /><br />Her CD collection -all the Death metal stuff gone.<br /><br />Friends that she has been hanging with- No more.<br />Church functions only if she wants to leave the house.<br /><br />Looking into switching schools on Monday.<br /><br />My wife was on her side with this stuff saying it was "Just the age".<br /><br />But when she started lighting fires in her room her mom quickly crossed over to my side.<br /><br />I think we are nipping this in the bud fairly early. She hasnt done the black make up & fingernails yet. Or those trench coats.<br /><br />She was (or is) in the early stages.<br /><br />We will see what happens....

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Taken Advantaged of

Sounds like your doing a great job Boatingfool and Homer. Carl is home from his mom's now and being grumpy, but hey, if he wants to be that way, it don't bother me. It is really starting to get under his skin with me being passive on him. He gets to meet his probation officer tomorrow. That is when Carl is going to get a reality check!<br /><br />I think it is going to be the best thing for him. He must learn what authority means and to respect it.