SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used<br />to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers<br />are used to inflict pain on oneself.<br /><br />Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar<br />after you call in a professional repairman to undo<br />the $500 in damage you did while trying to change<br />out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.<br /><br />Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order<br />when the damage estimate is over $1,000.<br />Contains twice the vodka.<br /><br />Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the<br />necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind<br />screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks<br />to install.<br /><br />Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp<br />and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath<br />and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase<br />testosterone levels.<br /><br />Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that<br />never goes off when you point it at yourself. 
<br /><br />Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your<br />backyard with the incandescence of a football<br />stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over<br />the area you're working on so that you need to use<br />a flashlight anyway.<br /><br />Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance<br />of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.<br /><br />Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.<br /><br />Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in<br />principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-<br />law's nagging complaints and using the resulting<br />airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.<br /><br />Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the<br />shed that you accidentally built completely around<br />yourself.<br /><br />Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't<br />critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
<br /><br />Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your<br />backyard with the incandescence of a football<br />stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over<br />the area you're working on so that you need to use<br />a flashlight anyway.<br /><br />Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance<br />of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.<br /><br />Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.<br /><br />Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in<br />principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-<br />law's nagging complaints and using the resulting<br />airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.<br /><br />Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the<br />shed that you accidentally built completely around<br />yourself.<br /><br />Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't<br />critique the job you're doing or offer advice.