SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
The Redneck Golf Tour<br /><br />Not surprisingly, The Redneck Golf Tour didn't have an illustrious beginning, middle or end. In fact, most people agreed that it was, for the most part, completely pathetic. Oh sure, it grew big enough to attract some sponsorship money from a few small businesses that specialized in making and/or selling things like potato guns, beef jerky, and chewing tobacco. But The Redneck Tour was neither highly publicized nor highly praiseworthy. <br /><br />Some banjo-lovin', hillbilly dropout named RAY started the tour. It started after an especially rowdy night filled with homebrew, barroom brawling, and tractor-trailer racing. You see, RAY was the proud owner of a three-wheel powercart (stolen), which he souped-up and used to drive his fellow rednecks to and from the tractor races, the swimming hole, the greased-pig competitions, etc. <br /><br />Realizing that he and his clan had suitable golf transportation and possessed an amazing ability to smack things (baseballs, snooker balls, fish, etc.), RAY and his drinkin buddies came to the conclusion that starting a golf tour would be the next best thing to stealing barbecues. Also, because RAY and his hillbilly sidekicks had spent the majority of their hard-earned incomes (derived mainly from branding cattle, poaching cattle, and bootlegging) on purchasing "stuff" from the local hardware store, RAY figured he shouldn't have any trouble lining up a sponsor. And sure as his pappa met his momma at a family reunion, RAY got himself a sponsor and the tour was born.<br /><br />As the tour events grew and as more and more rednecks came out of the hills to play in the rowdy, uncivilized events, RAY began to encounter some problems. Interestingly, and much to RAY's surprise, increasing the quantity of moonshine that was put in the water coolers didn't cause the problems to dissipate much either. Unfortunately, the problems grew steadily and before long the tour was forced to retreat back into the hills. <br /><br />These were the "major" problems which doomed the tour...<br /><br />Major Problem #1 - While RAY's three-wheel powercart wasn't really an issue (especially after the local authorities confiscated it), it was the "other" modes of transportation that really concerned golf course owners. A number of competitors showed up and insisted on playing with their riding lawn mowers, homemade buggies, and John Deere tractors. After one competitor's hydraulics failed and he accidentally plowed up a green, many of the local fans were turned off and switched back to mud-wrestling and wet t-shirt contests as their main sources of entertainment.<br /><br />Major Problem #2 - One particular tour venue, which later released a statement expressing their distaste for the tour and their resolve to never allow it again, made the ludicrous assumption that the competitors would actually adhere to their dress code policy. While it did stop some competitors from showing up in their dirty overalls or denim cut-offs, white muscle shirts were seen everywhere. To top it off, every one of the competitors who actually wore a proper golf shirt had their big, hairy, beer-drinkin' bellies entirely exposed as their clothes were obviously purchased (or stolen from their neighbor's clothes line) before they had each consumed thirty-five million BOTTLES OF LONGNECKS.<br /><br />Major Problem #3 - RAY and his staff were put in the embarrassing situation of canceling a number of events due to multiple no-shows and at one event, after a police siren went off nearby, numerous DNFs. Apparently the siren had sent most of the competitors scurrying into the woods in fear of being caught by, as they termed them, 'the pigs.' Most of the players never returned to the course to finish their rounds.<br /><br />Major Problem #4 - Poor sportsmanship was a rampant concern. Heckling, belching in the middle of someone's backswing, spitting chewing tobacco on fellow competitor's putting lines, urinating on the greens, cussing, and basic belligerence was just the start of it. Things got real bad when a number of the competitors from "Bubba's Clan" (SPINNER, SNAPPER, AND GONFISHN, a particularly uncouth and evil group of backwoods ball bashers) brought loaded rifles with them onto the course.<br /><br />As luck would have it, all hell broke loose during dinner at the tour's last event. After RAY made a few attempts at low-brow humor to try to subdue the jittery and extremely drunk crowd, one of the clans (who had earlier been seen drinking paint thinner in the parking lot) started a massive brawl, which ended up involving, well, everyone. After every single chair and table had been smashed, order was finally restored when someone fell through the floor and discovered the wine cellar. After everything was said and done, a local reporter captured the thoughts of the entire civilized world when he stated, <br /><br />"This tour is something that should never have happened."
