SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"Cynic's Guide to Life"<br /><br />The journey of a thousand miles begins with a<br />squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.<br /><br />I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower<br />grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game<br />gets rained out and a car rusts and....<br /><br />Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where<br />you're at work in your underwear during a fire <br />drill.<br /><br />Always take time to stop and smell the roses...<br />and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.<br /><br />Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not<br />walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside<br />me, either, just leave me alone.<br /><br />If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone .<br />Just take another road. That's why the highway<br />department made so many of them.<br /><br />If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.<br />Nothings gets the message across like a good<br />mooning.<br /><br />When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes<br />the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain<br />and gag himself.<br /><br />It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're<br />going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's<br />the time to do it.<br /><br />Each day I try to enjoy something from each of<br />the four food groups: the bon bon group, the<br />salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the<br />'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' <br />group.<br /><br />Just remember....You gotta break some eggs to<br />make a real mess on the neighbor's <br />car.<br /><br />When you find yourself getting irritated with<br />someone, try to remember that all men are<br />brothers..., and just give them a noogie or an<br />Indian burn.<br /><br />This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent<br />of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for<br />letting the relatives say over.<br /><br />Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't<br />want to get off, and when/if you don't....you can't<br />wait to throw up.<br />__________________________________________________<br />"TV Repairman"<br /><br />Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was built<br />so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes<br />off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd<br />near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking<br />at her.<br /><br />When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm<br />going to make a... well... unusual request. But<br />you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."<br /><br />The repairman quickly agreed and she went on.<br />"Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but<br />while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh<br />-- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain<br />disability. Now, I'm a woman, and you're a man..."<br /><br />The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"<br /><br />"And since I've been wanting to ever since you<br />came in the door..."<br />"Yes yes!"<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br /><<br />"Would you mind moving the refrigerator for me?"
