SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"Trouble With Fairy Godmothers"<br /><br />As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting<br />on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly<br />appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.<br /><br />"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."<br /><br />Poof: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking<br />chair into solid gold.<br /><br />"And, I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful<br />princess."<br /><br />Poof: The Fairy Godmother tuned the old woman<br />into exquisite young princess, with a priceless<br />crown of jewels.<br /><br />"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.<br /><br />The elderly woman's dog raised his head and<br />uttered a single, weak, hoarse woof.<br /><br />"Could you possibly turn my wonderful faithful<br />dog into a handsome prince?"<br /><br />Poof: There, in front of the old woman, who has<br />now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the<br />most handsome young man anyone had ever<br />seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly<br />imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely<br />smitten.<br /><br />As he came toward her, her knees weakened.<br />He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear<br />as he whispered,<br /><br />"I'll bet you are sorry you had me neutered!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Things That Will Make You Crazy"<br /><br />You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that<br />stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.<br /><br />The person behind you in the supermarket runs<br />his cart into the back of your ankle.<br /><br />The elevator stops on every floor and nobody<br />gets on or off.<br /><br />There's always a car riding your tail when you're<br />slowing down to find an address.<br /><br />You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.<br /><br />It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but<br />you don't realize it till you walk across your<br />living room rug.<br /><br />The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper<br />never works for you.<br /><br />There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks<br />at EVERYTHING.<br /><br />You can never put anything back in a box the<br />way it came.<br /><br />You drink from a soda can into which someone<br />has extinguished a cigarette. (Yuck!)<br /><br />You slice your tongue licking an envelope.<br /><br />Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're<br />trying to get a reading.<br /><br />A station comes in brilliantly when you're<br />standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts<br />and has fits every time you move away.<br /><br />There are always one or two ice cubes that<br />won't pop out of the tray.<br /><br />You wash a garment with a tissue in the<br />pocket and your entire laundry comes out<br />covered with lint.<br /><br />The car behind you blasts its horn because<br />you let a pedestrian finish crossing.<br /><br />A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical<br />contact with your filling (or braces).<br /><br />You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm<br />instead of 7am.<br /><br />The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that<br />song.<br /><br />You rub on hand cream and can't turn the<br />bathroom doorknob to get out.<br /><br />People behind you on a supermarket line dash<br />ahead of you to a counter just opening up.<br /><br />Your glasses slide off your ears when you<br />perspire.<br /><br />You can't look up the correct spelling of a word<br />in the dictionary because you don't know how<br />to spell it.<br /><br />You have to inform five different sales people<br />in the same store that you're just browsing.<br /><br />You had that pen in your hand only a second ago<br />and now you can't find it.<br /><br />You reach under the table to pick something off<br />the floor and smash your head on the way up.<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Tattoo"<br /><br />A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells<br />the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a<br />turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini<br />line. She also wants him to put "Happy<br />Thanksgiving" under the turkey.<br /><br />So the guy does it and it comes out looking<br />really good. The woman then instructs him<br />to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas"<br />up on her left thigh.<br /><br />So the guy does it and it comes out looking<br />good, too. As the woman is getting dressed<br />to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't<br />mind, could you tell me why you had me put<br />such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"<br /><br />She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband<br />complaining all the time that there's nothing<br />good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"<br /> 
