SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"Mommy, I think..."<br /><br />It seems that a young couple had just gotten married<br />and spent their wedding night with the young mans<br />parents.<br /><br />In the morning the mother got up and prepared a<br />lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs<br />and called for them to come down for breakfast.<br />After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds.<br />The mother said, "I wonder why they never came<br />down to eat."<br /><br />The grooms young brother said "Mommy, I think..."<br /><br />"Oh shut up I don't want to hear what you think!" said<br />the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate<br />comments from the younger brother.<br /><br />At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful<br />meal and again called the young couple to eat. After<br />another long wait, the family proceeded to eat, and<br />after the meal was completed the mother once again<br />said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"<br />Once again the younger brother started to speak, but<br />was interrupted by the mother.<br /><br />At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very<br />elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called<br />the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After<br />another long wait the mother once again questioned<br />why they had not come downstairs all day.<br /><br />The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."<br /><br />"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother<br />rather irritated.<br /><br />"I think that when my big brother came down to get<br />the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue<br />instead." 
<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Death Notice"<br /><br />When the husband finally died his wife put<br />the usual death notice in the paper, but<br />added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner<br />were the papers delivered when a good<br />friend of the family phoned and complained<br />bitterly, "You know very well that he died of<br />diarrhea, not gonorrhea.<br /><br />Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and<br />day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,<br />but I thought it would be better for posterity<br />to remember him as a great lover rather than<br />the big poop he always was."<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"<br /><br />An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost<br />sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good<br />health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her<br />interest in health food and exercise.<br /><br />When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them<br />to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful<br />kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and<br />Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked<br />Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free,"<br />Peter replied. "This is heaven."<br /><br />Next they went out back to survey the championship golf<br />course that the home backed up to. They would have<br />golfing privileges every day, and each week the course<br />would change to new one that represented one of the<br />great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What<br />are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven;<br />you play for free."<br /><br />Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish<br />buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.<br />"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you<br />understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter<br />replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the<br />low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked<br />timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can<br />eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you<br />never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."<br /><br />With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped<br />on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried<br />to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The<br />old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your<br />fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I<br />could have been here ten years ago!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Getting A Divorce"<br /><br />Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked<br />down at them.<br />"How old are you?" he asked.<br />"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and I'm in the pink, the pink!"<br />"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel like sixty, judge!"<br />"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.<br />"Yep, thats it, a divorce!" chirped Sam.<br />"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping the air<br />clean with her hand.<br />"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said Sam.<br />"He made me nervous from the beginning," Molly<br />said, "from the first day, I couldn't watch him eat<br />those sunflower seeds."<br />"How long are you married?" asked the judge,<br />more and more incredulous.<br />"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.<br />"Seventy-two
?" The judge took a deep breath.<br />"But why did you wait so long?"<br />They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam<br />said, "We wanted to wait until the children died."
<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Death Notice"<br /><br />When the husband finally died his wife put<br />the usual death notice in the paper, but<br />added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner<br />were the papers delivered when a good<br />friend of the family phoned and complained<br />bitterly, "You know very well that he died of<br />diarrhea, not gonorrhea.<br /><br />Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and<br />day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,<br />but I thought it would be better for posterity<br />to remember him as a great lover rather than<br />the big poop he always was."<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"<br /><br />An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost<br />sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good<br />health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her<br />interest in health food and exercise.<br /><br />When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them<br />to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful<br />kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and<br />Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked<br />Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free,"<br />Peter replied. "This is heaven."<br /><br />Next they went out back to survey the championship golf<br />course that the home backed up to. They would have<br />golfing privileges every day, and each week the course<br />would change to new one that represented one of the<br />great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What<br />are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven;<br />you play for free."<br /><br />Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish<br />buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.<br />"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you<br />understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter<br />replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the<br />low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked<br />timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can<br />eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you<br />never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."<br /><br />With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped<br />on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried<br />to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The<br />old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your<br />fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I<br />could have been here ten years ago!"<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Getting A Divorce"<br /><br />Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked<br />down at them.<br />"How old are you?" he asked.<br />"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and I'm in the pink, the pink!"<br />"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel like sixty, judge!"<br />"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.<br />"Yep, thats it, a divorce!" chirped Sam.<br />"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping the air<br />clean with her hand.<br />"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said Sam.<br />"He made me nervous from the beginning," Molly<br />said, "from the first day, I couldn't watch him eat<br />those sunflower seeds."<br />"How long are you married?" asked the judge,<br />more and more incredulous.<br />"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.<br />"Seventy-two
?" The judge took a deep breath.<br />"But why did you wait so long?"<br />They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam<br />said, "We wanted to wait until the children died."
