SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
SLEEPY TIME<br />A man comes into a restaurant at 6 o'clock in the evening. "I want to<br />have a coffee please." The waiter brings him the coffee, the man<br />drinks it and afterwards, he orders another, then another, then<br />another. Finally, at 7:30, the man has drunk 5 coffees. The waiter, a<br />bit amazed and concerned, told him, "When I drink so much coffee<br />in the evening, I cannot sleep half of the night." "No problem, said<br />the man, I count to three - and then I sleep." "And that works every<br />time?" asks the waiter. "No, sometimes, I count to half past three."<br /><br />MORE ODD ITEMS SPOTTED IN NEWSPAPERS<br /><br />~ Hummers: Largest selection ever! If it's in stock, we have it!<br />~ Illiterate? Write today for free help.<br />~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.<br />~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.<br />~ Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.<br />Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.<br />~ Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.<br />~ Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.<br />~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair<br />to take home, too.<br />~ Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.<br />~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,<br />and smacks included.<br />~ Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.<br />~ Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.<br />~ Stock up and save. Limit one.<br />~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!<br />~ Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.<br />~ Wanted Hair-cutter: Excellent growth potential.<br />~ Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.<br />~ We build bodies that last a lifetime.<br />~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home<br />for $1.00.<br /><br />AS THEY GET OLD . . .<br /><br />Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.<br />Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.<br />Old investors never die, they just roll over.<br />Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.<br />Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.<br />Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.<br />Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.<br />Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...<br />Old musicians never die, they just get played out.<br />Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.<br />Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.<br />Old professors never die, they just lose their class.<br /><br />SWIFT<br /><br />My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Tim, went hunting a couple of<br />weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy,<br />though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three<br />times, stay where we are, and someone will find us." They shot in<br />the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it<br />again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Tim<br />said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows." 
<br /><br />TOP 10 REASONS FOR NOT READING THE SCRIPTURE<br /><br />In one church, members were asked to read Joshua Chapter 1 in<br />preparation for the following Sunday's sermon. A few members<br />failed to read - here are their top ten excuses:<br /><br />10. I was absent last week, and thought that the bulletin I received in<br />the mail was for spending quality time making paper airplanes with<br />my grandson.<br />9. I tried, but finally gave up trying to find the book of Joshua in my<br />handy pocket New Testament.<br />8. I procrastinated until Saturday night, but the excitement of my<br />wife's favorite WWF show was too distracting.<br />7. My dog ate my Great Chapters assignment sheet.<br />6. Spiritual giants like me read the Bible as guided from above, not<br />as directed by mere man.<br />5. My Bible could not be found - prior to Y2k I had buried it in a<br />metal box in the woods so I could access it when Anti-Christ takes<br />over the world.<br />4. When the Pastor said "Joshua one", I thought he was telling us that<br />"Joshua won" at the Israeli marathon race last week.<br />3. I'm a visual person so I looked at the Bible comic book pictures.<br />2. I'm an auditory person so I listened to the song, "Joshua Fit the<br />Battle of Jericho".<br /><br />And the number one top excuse for not reading the assigned Bible<br />chapter:<br /><br />1. I started to read the chapter, but then came under persecution<br />when an officer pulled me over and forbade me to read while driving<br />on I - 80.
<br /><br />TOP 10 REASONS FOR NOT READING THE SCRIPTURE<br /><br />In one church, members were asked to read Joshua Chapter 1 in<br />preparation for the following Sunday's sermon. A few members<br />failed to read - here are their top ten excuses:<br /><br />10. I was absent last week, and thought that the bulletin I received in<br />the mail was for spending quality time making paper airplanes with<br />my grandson.<br />9. I tried, but finally gave up trying to find the book of Joshua in my<br />handy pocket New Testament.<br />8. I procrastinated until Saturday night, but the excitement of my<br />wife's favorite WWF show was too distracting.<br />7. My dog ate my Great Chapters assignment sheet.<br />6. Spiritual giants like me read the Bible as guided from above, not<br />as directed by mere man.<br />5. My Bible could not be found - prior to Y2k I had buried it in a<br />metal box in the woods so I could access it when Anti-Christ takes<br />over the world.<br />4. When the Pastor said "Joshua one", I thought he was telling us that<br />"Joshua won" at the Israeli marathon race last week.<br />3. I'm a visual person so I looked at the Bible comic book pictures.<br />2. I'm an auditory person so I listened to the song, "Joshua Fit the<br />Battle of Jericho".<br /><br />And the number one top excuse for not reading the assigned Bible<br />chapter:<br /><br />1. I started to read the chapter, but then came under persecution<br />when an officer pulled me over and forbade me to read while driving<br />on I - 80.