Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black<br /> were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck<br /> up a conversation.<br />The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The<br />brown<br />lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything --the sofa, the curtains,<br />the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the<br />middle of my owner's bed."<br /><br />The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"<br />"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab.<br />"They reckon it'll calm me down."<br /><br />The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you<br />here?<br /><br />The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and<br />trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the<br />carpets.<br />But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my<br />owner's<br />couch."<br />> ><br />> > So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.<br />> ><br />> > "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected yellow lab said.<br />> ><br />> > The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you<br />here?"<br />> ><br />> > I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the<br />cat,<br />> a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.<br />> >Yesterday, the gal my owner's have pet sitting me while they are away at<br />> some dog show with that little yellow ***** and the bird, had just got out<br />of the<br />> shower.<br />> She was there just bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help<br />> myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."<br />> ><br />> > The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance<br />> > and said,<br />> ><br />> > "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"<br />> ><br />> > The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed." and I think<br />she<br />> wants to adopt me.<br />--------------------------------------------------<br /><br />An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The<br />> doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a<br />> semen sample tomorrow."<br />><br />> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and<br />> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.<br />> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:<br />><br />> "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but<br />nothing.<br />> Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.<br />><br />> Then I asked my wife for help. She couldn't do it. She even tried with<br />> her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still<br />> nothing.<br />><br />> We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first<br />> with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin'<br />> it between her knees, but still nothing."<br />><br />> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"<br />><br />> The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still<br />> couldn't get the jar open."<br /><br />And just what where you thinking? 
<br />--------------------------------------------------<br />> One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local<br />> chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.<br />><br />> The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the<br />> volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company<br />> president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret<br />> formulas are<br />> in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will<br />> give<br />> $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.<br />><br />> But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire<br />> departments<br />> had to be called in as the situation became desperate.<br />><br />> As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was<br />> now<br />> $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's<br />> secret<br />> files.<br />><br />> From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came<br />> into<br />> sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company<br />> composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's<br />> amazement,<br />> the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department<br />> passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and<br />> drove<br />> straight into the middle of the inferno.<br />><br />> Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off<br />> and<br />> began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen<br />> before.<br />> Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire<br />> and<br />> saved the secret formulas.<br />><br />> The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for<br />> such a<br />> superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over<br />> to<br />> personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire<br />> fighters.<br />><br />> The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film<br />> asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?<br />><br />> "Vell," said Hymie Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first<br />> thing<br />> we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f.....g truck
<br />--------------------------------------------------<br />> One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local<br />> chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.<br />><br />> The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the<br />> volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company<br />> president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret<br />> formulas are<br />> in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will<br />> give<br />> $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.<br />><br />> But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire<br />> departments<br />> had to be called in as the situation became desperate.<br />><br />> As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was<br />> now<br />> $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's<br />> secret<br />> files.<br />><br />> From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came<br />> into<br />> sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company<br />> composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's<br />> amazement,<br />> the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department<br />> passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and<br />> drove<br />> straight into the middle of the inferno.<br />><br />> Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off<br />> and<br />> began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen<br />> before.<br />> Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire<br />> and<br />> saved the secret formulas.<br />><br />> The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for<br />> such a<br />> superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over<br />> to<br />> personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire<br />> fighters.<br />><br />> The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film<br />> asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?<br />><br />> "Vell," said Hymie Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first<br />> thing<br />> we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f.....g truck