Wednesday Funny(for the women)

SpinnerBait_Nut

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"Women In Clergy"<br /><br />The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers:<br />"Hello? Yes... yes... yes, just a moment."<br /><br />Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues,<br />"G~d, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women<br />in the clergy again."<br /><br />G~d, tired of the Pope and his problems, says,<br />"Look, there are millions of people praying right<br />now, and I'm trying to make plans... tell him<br />I'm just not available."<br /><br />"Of course," St Peter replies. Removing his hand<br />from the phone, he says to the Pope,<br /><br />"She's not available right now..."<br />__________________________________________________<br />"A Few Good Menopausal Women"<br /><br />Take all American women who are within five<br />years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks,<br />outfit us automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,<br />Prozac, hormones, moisturizer with SPF15,<br />chocolate, Spam, support hose, canned tuna -<br />etc. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the<br />landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what<br />comes naturally.<br /><br />Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when<br />doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying<br />bills, is formidable enough to make even men in<br />turbans tremble.<br /><br />We have had our children, we would gladly die/suffer<br />to protect them and their future. Most of us would like<br />to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left<br />already. And for those of us who are single, the<br />prospect of finding a good man with whom to share<br />life is about as likely as being struck by lightning;<br />therefore, we have nothing to lose.<br /><br />We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the<br />carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms<br />and saunas across America and never lost a pound.<br />We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain<br />of Afghanistan with no food at all!<br /><br />We've spent years tracking down our husbands or<br />lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...<br />finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.<br /><br />Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new<br />government? Oh, please ... we've planned the<br />seating arrangements for in-laws and extended<br />families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we<br />understand tribal warfare.<br /><br />Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to<br />know every trick there is for how they hide, launder,<br />or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We<br />know how to find that money and we know how to<br />seize it ... with or without the government's help!<br />Let us go and fight.<br /><br />The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as<br />we crawl like ants with hot-flashes all through their<br />heaven-forsaken terrain.<br /><br />I'm going to write my Congressman. You should, too.<br />__________________________________________________<br />"Female Crew"<br /><br />As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the<br />flight attendant gave the passengers the usual<br />information regarding seat belts etc. Finally,<br />she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while<br />your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you<br />safely to your destination."<br /><br />Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did<br />hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I<br />better have scotch and soda. When the attendants<br />came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand<br />you right? Is the captain a woman?"<br /><br />"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew<br />is female."<br /><br />"My Lord," said Andy, "I'd better have two scotch and<br />sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women<br />up there in the cockpit."<br /><br />"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no<br />longer call it the cockpit."
 
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