SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
BABIES FOR SALE<br /><br />A new mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first<br />time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she<br />placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her. At<br />the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.<br />The child was crying and begging for something. He wants some<br />candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.<br />But then she heard the mother's reply: "No!" she said to the child,<br />looking in the new mom's direction. "You may not have a baby sister<br />today. That lady got the last one!"<br /><br />THE MINISTER'S NEW DENTURES<br /><br />The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new<br />dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he<br />only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only<br />20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25<br />minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he<br />explained: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.<br />The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third<br />Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop<br />talking!"<br /><br />THE WORRIED PATIENT<br /><br />A worried patient pressed the doctor about his diagnosis. "Are you<br />sure it's pneumonia?" he asked. "I've heard of cases where a doctor<br />treated a patient for pneumonia, and the patient died from something<br />else." "Don't worry," the doctor assured him. "When I treat a patient<br />for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."<br /><br />NEARBY<br /><br />THE DOCTOR was making a house call. His patient said, "It's<br />mighty nice of you to come all the way out here to see me." "Oh,<br />don't mention it," replied the doctor. "I had another patient in this<br />part of town, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone."<br /><br />DRESSED ALIKE<br /><br />The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her<br />children alike, right down to the youngest baby. "When we had just<br />four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them.<br />Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them<br />alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."<br /><br />THAT'S WHY<br /><br />Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest<br />equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend<br />watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new<br />ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball<br />into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the<br />woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked. "I've<br />never had an old ball," Morris said.<br />__________________________________________________<br />BUNNY ON ICE<br /><br />A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the<br />shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit<br />replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady replied, "Yes."<br />"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." (Cwazy wabbit!)<br /><br />MODERN TRANSLATION<br /><br />A six year old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church<br />service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who<br />passed trash against us."<br /><br />NO MORE<br /><br />After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the<br />kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out,<br />"Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or<br />sisters who will be coming to school." The boy's mother replied,<br />"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say<br />when you told her you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank<br />goodness!"<br /><br />TONGUE TIED<br /><br />A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop<br />where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie<br />Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Aussies just stared at him.<br />"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to<br />stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there<br />was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The<br />Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was<br />gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, mate,<br />maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other<br />replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any<br />good."
