Oil Change instructions for women: <br />1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since<br />the last oil change. <br />2) Drink a cup of coffee. <br />3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. <br /> <br /> Money spent: <br />Oil Change $20.00 <br />Coffee $1.00<br />Total $21.00 ========================================================== <br />Oil Change instructions for men: <br />1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case<br />of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a<br />check for $50.00. <br />2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive <br />home.<br />3) Open a beer and drink it. <br />4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. <br />5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. <br />6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. <br />7) Place drain pan under engine. <br />8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. <br />9) Give up and use crescent wrench. <br />10) Unscrew drain plug. <br />11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. <br />12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.<br />13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. <br />14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. <br />15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil <br />filter and twist off. <br />16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil <br />everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. <br />17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish<br />oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. <br />18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag<br />pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole <br />in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.<br />19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. <br />20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.<br />21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. <br />22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil. <br />23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. <br />24) Remember drain plug from step 11. <br />25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. <br />26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,<br />along with drain plug. <br />27) Drink beer. <br />28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily<br />dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily <br />patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. <br />29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw<br />kitty litter on oil spill. <br />30) Drink beer. <br />31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench <br />tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. <br />32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. <br />33) Begin cussing fit. <br />34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. <br />35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.<br />36) Beer. <br />37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop<br />blood flow. <br />38) Beer. <br />39) Beer. <br />40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. <br />41) Beer. <br />42) Lower car from jack stands. <br />43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. <br />44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. <br />45) Beer. <br />46) Test drive car. <br />47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. <br />48) Car gets impounded. <br />49) Call loving wife, make bail. <br />50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. <br /> <br />Money spent: <br /> <br />Parts $50.00 <br />DUI $2500.00 <br />Impound fee $75.00 <br />Bail $1500.00 <br />Beer $40.00 <br />Total - - $4,165.00 <br /> <br />But you know the job was done right!
<br />Still funny as h#ll 