Need advice on my 15 year old step son

[jim phillips]

My step son has got to be the laziest person in the world. All that is asked of him is to cut the grass once a week and it is like pulling teeth to get him to do it. <br />He is active in school and is in ROTC and band so he is not home right after school every day and on the weekend he feels that he should be able to run with his friends or go to his girl friends house for the day. He wont do a damm thing around here, his little brothers and sisters do more then him. We live in a very small town with not many jobs to be had. 6 months ago I had a friend of mine hire him at the local food store he worked about a month and was fired for not showing up and not calling because he had some band practice he wanted to go to. I am at the end of my rope with him, If I could throw him out I would but he is only 15 but something has to give.<br />his mother says she is going to talk to him but she has done that before with limited results. Any help or advise would be great.

 

[tradin]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

send him to boot camp

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Well, I guess yu could make his desires reciprical to his action. If he wants to go to his friends or girls to hang, he should have to perform certain duties around the house. Here, my 16 year old has certain duties/chores that he has to do. It is his job to unload the dish washer. If the dishwasher is full, he is not allowed to do anything until it's empty. Same with the grass, when it needs cutting, he can't do anything or have anyone over til it's cut. <br /><br />However, I must admit that Tom is an outstanding young man, much better than I was when I was a teen

 

[FLATHEAD]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Next time he dont cut the grass when he is supposed to,wait till he goes out then take the mower to his room and sit it right on his bed. I would bet he will get the message.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Can't give you much advice on what to do, but may be able to help in what not to do....<br /><br />Talk can be cheap. Make sure you and the Mrs has thought about what you are going to say before you say it. Don't make ultimatums that you do not intend to keep if pushed to it. And once an ultimatum is made, don't back down or give a second chance until after the punishment is metted out. If you do, you are just setting yourself up for failure. What you say must mean something.<br /><br />Now, what are the things that the boy enjoys doing and having the freedom to do. Those are areas that will have the best results. Does he love the band, or is just doing it to get out of other things. If he loves it, then that can be leverage for you. If he doesn't than it can be a reason to drop band. So, with a calm and rational head, think before getting emotional and opening your mouth.<br /><br />Somehow he must see that he needs to be a contributing member of the family. This is tough in blended families because the children will tend to play mom against dad and "if you don't leave me alone, I will go live with the other." My wife and I faced this with her 2 children. Their biological dad didn't have much to do with them and they weren't interested in him till I entered the picture. Suddenly when they saw what a father meant to them, they sought their natural dad. They didn't contribute at our house, and when the ultimatums came, they went.<br /><br />Sound terrible? Not really. Peace entered our house in the short term, and in the long term, they are coming around. We did not "run after" them, but they came back, wagging their tales behind them. They have since moved on to their own lives, but I believe they are better off for the stand their mother and I made, nad I believe they will be a better husband, a better wife, and better citizens for it.<br /><br />So, Lucky Jim, don't give up or be discouraged. Hang in there, stop and think before engaging mouth, and do what is best for the children, not what is easiest for you and the Mrs. In the end, it will hopefully work out.

 

[gonfishn]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Its a new generation thats coming up..When we were growing up if you wanted money you went out and earned it or did without..I think we as parents have spoiled them because we remembered when we had nothing and want to give them what we never had..just my opinion..

 

[Topmason]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

aspeck,<br />Very good advice, especially the part about not opening mouth propr to knowing exactly what your gonna say.<br />God knows I'm guilty of that one.<br />Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say your gonna do.<br />I've got 3 boys and 2 girls. 3 of a kind, 2 of a kind,...........that's a full house!

 

[JB]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Give him an incentive.<br /><br />Tie something he wants/likes to grass cutting. No cut, no payoff.<br /><br />That is what life is: We do things we don't want to do because it provides something we want. He might as well get started now as later.<br /><br />Good luck.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Well, I have to ask, Jim, do you do anything with the boy yourself, or is it he just does it all on his own?<br /><br />It might work out if you done stuff with him.<br />If he has band practice, go with him.<br /><br />If he is into sports, go with him to practice etc.<br /><br />Might work. You never know.<br /><br />I do know that if you get mad and scream at them, they will just rebel against you.<br /><br />Good luck with him.<br />I was/am lucky. I have 3 girls all grown, but will still do what I ask them to.

 

[jim phillips]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Thanks for the thoughts guys.<br />Let me add some more, The wife sides with him a lot even though she sees my side to. And then there is my mother in-law ... she came to visit for 2 weeks about 8 years ago and has not left yet! She helps with the kids and all but damm she can be a pain in the *$$ and she has no where to go and no income so we are kind of stuck with her. and she baby's the boy all the time and will give in to what he wants. I work hard at the prison from 4 to midnight and some times later plus side jobs when I can get them and don't do as much around the house as I probably should (as was pointed out today by the wife ..."you don't do much so why should he " ) Pi$$ me right off! I tell you guys it is not looking good in lucky's house hold right now, About the only thing that's keeping me here is the amount of child support that it would cost me to go. <br />I hate to dump on all of you but I just need to get it off my chest

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Uh oh. the mother-in-law deal.<br /><br />That's a whole new ballgame for sure Jim.<br /><br />Now, not only do you have your wife on his side, but the moter-in-law also.<br /><br />The deck is stacked against you for sure.<br /><br />It is hard to make a family work when you have 2 families in the same house, which you do.<br /><br />Your family and the other family with mother-in-law.<br /><br />It's tuff, but hang in there Jim, it has to get better.

 

[jim phillips]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

S B N <br />It can't get much worse

 

[scamper]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

You have heard this before and probably can’t see it right now, but “It’s always the darkest before dawn”. Hang in there!

 

[FLATHEAD]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Sorry to hear it Lucky. My mother in law and me would last about two days under the same roof. Sounds to me like she might be the biggest part of the problem. Does your wife have brothers or sisters, maybe you could ship the old battle axe to some one else's place for a spell,, to give you and the wife some time to get your houshold in order.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Jim, I am in a kinda the same boat with a inlaw, but it don't involve a child.<br /><br />Wife has to take care of her dad 24/7 cause she has useless brother that won't.<br />Long story.<br /><br />But it can get trying at times and it really gets to me, but I just suck it up and go on.<br /><br />We have been together for 32+ years and have learned the hard way how to work through things like this and I'm sure you will too.

 

[Topmason]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

lucky jim,<br />What part of your name am I missin here?<br />Seriously though, the mil thing is tough.<br />Company is kinda like fish, after a couple days, they start to stink.<br />I have similar prob with step daughter just turned 12. When I start talking seriously about her messy room or chores not being done, she'll stand there and stare at her mother and not even look at me, let alone pretend to even listen to me.<br />Irritates the livin crap outta me. She calls me "Dad" so I tell her you must listen to me as such.<br />It goes round and round and on and on. I just hope I can out live the attitude.<br />Good luck man!

 

[Homerr]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

ACTIONS not words... Follow through.<br /><br />It's the only way you can get through to today's kids.<br /><br />If my kids don't get their chores done and slip off to bed or whatever...I drag them back until it gets done. Yea, it makes them mad, but also teaches them.<br /><br />I also agree...If (for example) they don't take the garbage out, then I will sit it right on their bed... See how fast it gets taken out!<br /><br />Homework first, chores second, and then fun time.<br /><br />H.

 

[roscoe]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

Kneeling in the corner on a handful of marbles comes to mind.<br /><br />But seriously, it sounds like he is a fairly decent kid, just looking for his freedom, spreading his wings, so to speak.<br /><br />These are tough times to raise a kid, and there are so many opportunities for him to take a wrong turn, to get in with undesirables, to get into serious trouble. If he's not doing drugs, breakin the law, or failing school, you have been blessed. Be careful not to alienate him and push him toward the evils that are reaching out to him.<br /><br />Your job is to somehow teach him that freedoms and manhood require that he take on some responsibilities. I believe loss of priveliges or free time is the way to go. But ultimately, it is you, your wife, and possibly her ex, that know this boy best, that must make a plan that will work for him.<br />Good Luck.

 

[roscoe]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

On second thought, move to the garage, let the grass grow, go take a walk, let them come to you.

 

[jim phillips]

Re: Need advice on my 15 year old step son

(qoute)<br />--------------------------------------------------<br />Your job is to somehow teach him that freedoms and manhood require that he take on some responsibilities.<br />--------------------------------------------------<br />No truer words have ever been spoken,<br />But I am at work when he gets home and on most weekends, and Mom and M I L don't follow through and make him do things. When he is not sitting on his *$$ in front of the TV he is gone here or there. I just want to scream or kill him or something