need some thoughts..

[heyttown]

In all my relationships that I have been in, Ive tried to put a heavy focus on honesty and being open with my partner...In saying that Im sure I have said some things that may have hurt their feelings,but what I said was truthful and came directly from the heart.
I met a great woman some time ago and things have been getting serious, and we have both agreed at the start that honesty is a main building block on making a relationship a success. I feel like i could tell her anything, and I wanted the same in return..But It just never seems to end up that way.
It seems they would rather not tell the truth for fear of hurting my feelings,or fear of what I may think about them,even though I have said I would rather have my heart crushed with the truth and have respect for you telling me the truth, then to find things out to be a lie..

Am I asking for to much here? Am I asking for something that just isnt possible? Ive had my fair share of relationships, from months to 10 yrs long..and Ive made my fair share of mistakes no doubt, but it seems like the honesty problem keeps rearing its ugly head for me.

 

[arks]

Re: need some thoughts..

Men and women have completely different thought processes.
No matter how hard we try, men wil NEVER figure them out.
Just do whatever you think is necessary to co-exist.

 

[jay_merrill]

Re: need some thoughts..

Maybe you are too "honest" - meaning that you tell the women in your life things that they don't want to hear and don't need to hear. Similarly, maybe you expect them to tell you things that don't need to be said, but you have some need to hear.

While I agree that fundamental honesty is important in a relationship, I don't think you need to tell your "SO" everything single thing that pops into your head. Since most other people operate that way too, if this is what you are doing, your expectations are likely the source of your problems.

In short, it might not be that you are not getting honesty - you just might be expecting something that most people are not willing to give.



???

 

[JB]

Re: need some thoughts..

Every person has a secret self that should never be revealed except, maybe, to a therapist.

The only place that "the whole truth" is needed is a courtroom and even then it only means what "whole" truth that can contribute to resolving a legal issue.

Men talk to men about some things they should never talk to any woman about and women talk to other women about things men would not discuss with anyone. Breaking those "rules" is a guaranteed way to destroy any relationship.

 

[JustJason]

Re: need some thoughts..

Agree with JB. Ever hear the talk that goes on in a man's locker room? If we talked that way around women we'd all be single.

Men and women both have their secrets.

That's why trust is also major issue in any relationship.

My woman Kate is a straight up hottie. A 9 on a 10 scale. If she wants to go out to a bar with her lady friends I don't have any problems with that because I trust her completely. I know she's going to get hit on by men, doesn't bother me 1 bit, because I know who she's coming home to.

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: need some thoughts..

it has gone too far, when you ask her to mash the zit on your butt. now if she offers to get a black head, let her, it obviously bothers her.

 

[j_martin]

Re: need some thoughts..

If she says, "Do I look fat in this?"

Face it, there is no way to escape unharmed.

 

[HopeSheFloats]

Re: need some thoughts..

I think Jason hit it dead center...trust!!! without it honesty wouldn't mean a thing. Then again, I've always been a believer in " believe half of what you see and nothing that you hear"

If she says, "Do I look fat in this?"...

LOL, Reminded me of some lyrics I wrote...

It started with her asking
Do these make my butt look big
I said not at all 'Petunia'
And yet somehow, now I'm the pig

She asked me if I liked
What she'd done with her hair
I said you'd have to clue me in
On your legs, your back or where

I asked her what's for dinner
To which she replied a surprise
Well I said I hope it's eye-drops
The smell is burning both my eyes

She cried you never say you love me
All you do is just poke fun
Not true I said don't you recall
Our wedding day your Paw's shotgun

 

[tallcanadian]

Re: need some thoughts..

Some things are better off not said. I don't tell everything, but I am honest. Same goes with my wife. Why hurt someone's feelings if it isn't necessary. You can still be honest and not tell all. Good luck.

 

[thefairlaneman]

Re: need some thoughts..

I learned that with my wife its best to never complain about how much she spent after she has already spent it. I can never win with that on :redface:And to always say you notice that here trip to her hairdresser makes her look very nice. I did screw up once and said her hair looked good but she hadnt been yet..It hurt my credibility and she now knows Im suject to lie..

 

[kenmyfam]

Re: need some thoughts..

Mrs Ken and myself have survived on honesty and trust. Worked great so far and we have 5 children ages 22 to 29 that we have strived to bring up the same way.
If you have to hide things (other than Christmas and Birthday gifts etc) then you could well be with the wrong person.
Just my 2 cents and I could be wrong !!!

 

[LadyFish]

Re: need some thoughts..

I think there are two different types of honesty here.

One truth is about feelings, in which case should always be spoken. The second truth having to do with the small stuff (appearance, cooking capabilities, house keeping, etc.) needs to have filters. Otherwise it will come across as a personal attack.

 

[j_martin]

Re: need some thoughts..

I think there are two different types of honesty here.

One truth is about feelings, in which case should always be spoken. The second truth having to do with the small stuff (appearance, cooking capabilities, house keeping, etc.) needs to have filters. Otherwise it will come across as a personal attack.

I've found that the test of communication is that it has to be designed to build up, and not tear down. I think the mandate is speak the truth in love.

Something said that causes trouble and can be safely and responsibly left unsaid doesn't meet the test.

Something that's true, but it's saying causes injury and has no benefit in solving the problem doesn't meet the test.

Something that could be said that builds up and solves problems and is left unsaid doesn't meet the test.

Most of the time, something said only to defend me doesn't meet the test.

About 60 verses into the good book comes the first lie:
And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

So the problem of communications has been around a long time.

John

 

[slia67]

Re: need some thoughts..

I think there are two different types of honesty here.

One truth is about feelings, in which case should always be spoken. The second truth having to do with the small stuff (appearance, cooking capabilities, house keeping, etc.) needs to have filters. Otherwise it will come across as a personal attack.

Great advice, LF. In my relationship I follow the advice above. The only exception to that is, when asked for an opinion the filter goes off (but I still try to answer as sensitively as possible). It's like I tell my wife, "If you don't want to know, don't ask."

 

[drrpm]

Re: need some thoughts..

Truth is great. However, none of us are perfect and none of us appreciate regularly hearing about our imperfections. Knowing when to shut up is an underrated skill. Frequently women will take offense to comments guys find completely inocuous, especially if they're already stressed.

 

[heyttown]

Re: need some thoughts..

I appreciate all the thoughts given here..I hope I didnt make it sound like I point out imperfections because lord knows Im nowhere near perfect, And just because I feel I can talk to her about everything doesnt mean I do, I believe there was a comment above about a zit and a blackhead..lol ..But on more serious things I appreciate the truth both giving and receiving even when its not so good news..This board is great about alot of things including boating. I think ive been through so many bad breaks and bad relationships that have ended by major deception and lies im a little more sensitive to those problems. Its always a work in progress thats for sure..lol

All in all its good we talked it through, she listened to my side,I listened to hers and we move forward.

 

[salty87]

Re: need some thoughts..

if you need complete honesty in order to trust someone, stick to your guns. you have to offer the same in return of course. but, otherwise, don't settle. the single life isn't so bad compared to a soured marriage or how's about some divorce? yikes

 

[CheapboatKev]

Re: need some thoughts..

Sounds like perhaps you have been hurt or burned in the past..
To me, being secure in your relationship (And with yourself as well) and each others feelings is first.
Along with security, you get the added trust and respect that you are looking for.

Now, a completley honest mechanic..ohhh THATS what I want! lol

 

[ezwitter]

Re: need some thoughts..

been married for 24yrs and somethings i just keep to myself. its just better not to say