need opinions please

brother chris · Mar 21, 2006

Okay, here's the short story. I have a son who is 11 years old. I have never done any harm to him, whether it be physically or mentally. I have only be a great dad to him. The problem is...his mother is dead set against me being a dad to our child. I have done her no wrong. I have never spoken a bad word about her, in front of him, ever! I have never done anything bad to her! I have been told by my ex-wife(not the one I am referring to in this post), that she is intentionally trying to put my son against me. She said I am not worthy of being a dad to my son and that I was only a sperm donor to her, that's it! She also makes my son call me Chris, not Dad. He only refers to me as dad, when I am around.(that really p*sses me off!!!!) She has denied me access to him and all contact. We have a court order that says we have split custody, but he lives with her(which I WAS fine with, up to now). I am supposed to have access every other weekend. I don't know what to do. If my son thinks that I am a bad dad, yet I have done nothing wrong to him, what do I do? How do I confront this situation? Do I email or call her and say that we have a court order and she must obey it, or do I just call an attorney? I need help please...before I go insane. But if I go for custody and get it....is it too late to show my son that I am not a bad person after all? Thanks for any help. B.C.

stan_deezy · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Classic case of using children as a weapon B.C. and often shows that she has feelings for you (I know that seems like a dafy statement but trust me, I've dealt with 100's of similar cases). Is there a family mediation service in your area? What about other family members that might be able to discuss her behaviour with her? I usually advise that lawyers are a last resort in most things but in this case it may be your only option. I hope you get this sorted quickly because it does have the potential to become really nasty very quickly.

QC · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Big issue . . . If she'll respond to either a phone call or an email that would be best. You'd have a record, but I think that is unlikely based on your description of the situation. I think Stan's comments are right on. IMHO, you need to get this fixed ASAP; the quicker you get this handled the better for your boy. Good luck!!!

brother chris · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Stan: I don't think she has feelings for me, after all, it has been 11 years since we have been together. Ever since we split up, she has been putting me down, to everyone I know. How do I know this? Because my friends would tell me about the bad things she has been saying. I don't think she has good feelings towards me. As for talking to her family members...I'm not sure that would do me any good. I think her parents like me....I just don't think I would get any info that would help the situation at hand. QC: Good thing I keep records of when we talk, because I have 5 years of emails saved. All of our conversations are recorded...thank God! I'm going to call her and record ALL of our conversations. And yes, I pay child support. I have paid since he was born, on time, every month. My boy and I have always got along, every visit, every outing, every boating trip, etc... I think I am going to go to court and try to get full custody, but I am worried that since she has had him for 11 years, the judge is going to be on her side. Any tips? Thanks for any help, B.C.

woosterken · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

BC,I have been thru what you discribe. I don't know about where you are,but to get custody you would have to prove beyound a dout that mother is unfit. Here in ohio,usa when the child becomes 12 years old you can go back to court and the child can make the choice as to who they prefer to live with. ken

Bondo · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

I think I am going to go to court and try to get full custody,

I Think that would be a Major Mistake.......... I've been watching a situation like this unfold for the last 4 years, with the Lady who's now My Love,...... Not quite the same,...It's the X-Him that's living in His Own Mind, Far from Reality..... But parallel none the less.... I think you should just Keep Doing exactly what you've Been doing,...... I Know it Won't be Easy,.... But,...Even with the constant Brainwashing from your X-lover,....... Your Son will See the Truth as time passes..... Kids are Alot Smarter than we Think they are,...... Your Boy will be able to make up His Own Mind in a couple of years,..... Wait it Out,.... You,+ your Boy will be Happier in the Long Run........ As stated above,...... Unless your X is a Really REALLY BAD Mom,........ You Don't Stand a Chance in Court.........

BoatBuoy · Mar 21, 2006

Re: need opinions please

What Bondo said with a caveat. If she if is depriving you of privileges with your son that were specified by the court, that should be rectified by the court.

rwise · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

call the attorney, and NEVER give up! whatever she does will come back to haunt her! She cannot turn him against you only you can do that. Be there all you can, take him fishing, boating, whatever. Be yourself and never talk bad about her in front of him or where he can hear you (he will remember). You may have to push for full custody, DON"T GIVE UP. I think in most states at 12 he can make the choice as to where he stays. Hang in there, and good luck BTDT Richard

Ron G · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

I woul'dnt give up,try talkng this out first,i think it would be hard to win in court and the one thing you don't want to do is put your son in the middle of a tug of war or having to choose who he loves more,it will all work out with a little time.

WillyBWright · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Get this handled ASAP. The kid will end-up hating you AND his mother. Get an attorney and get this to court. They take this very seriously and the Mother will be in hot water for certain. It could jeopardize her custody status and child support. Even though you have joint custody, she apparently has primary placement. The court can easily change that in your favor. If YOU get primary placement, she'll have to pay YOU child support. Without awfully good reason, they won't revoke her custody. But Primary Placement may be the way to go, both for your situation, but most importantly for your son's. Chances are better that they'll order you both to mediation and slap her wrists really hard by admonishing her behavior and warn her that continuance will result in action by the court to place him elsewhere, probably with you. Don't expect an immediate change. They'll give her a chance, first. Here's some light for the end of that tunnel. My ex had a 4 year old daughter when we met. I was Dad for most of her life. When we separated, her mother badmouthed me something fierce. The daughter started believing the things her mother told her for awhile, but it wasn't long before she really began resenting her mother instead. She and I have a great relationship now. She doesn't call me Dad anymore (which hurts), but our relationship is certainly father/daughter with a good deal of Friend thrown in there to boot.

But I'm afraid that the constant berating of you by his mother may not be entirely reversible if it continues year after year after year. It was less than two with my daughter.

PW2 · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

I've been thru something similar, and I agree with most of the advice above. Unless you can *prove* she is an unfit mother, which is an extraordinarily difficult thing to prove, don't entertain ideas of going after full custody at this late date...you can't win, and will only make the problem worse. What you *have* to do, by any means necessary, is to enforce your visitation rights, and never give up that fight. And during those visits, just be yourself, don't try to buy the kid's love, and do fun things that you both enjoy, and try to keep the kids out of the fight with their mother, and above all else, don't try to get them to take sides in this. Kids are smart, they are not as impressionable as we think they are, and they are capable of figuring things out for themselves. And good luck!

KRS · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

When you visit with him, never ever put her down. A "I don't know why mommy says hurtful things like that" is all you should say, otherwise give her praises when your boy says "mom bought me shoes", etc. If you boy is old enough to understand, you may want to let him know "I just wanted you to know, that every month I give mom $XXX to be sure you have your needs met. The court sees that she gets that money, and I've gladly given every dollar to be sure you are taken care of." I agree with what others have said, get your privileges back NOW and kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

oddjob · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Originally posted by Bondo: 

I think I am going to go to court and try to get full custody,

Click to expand...

I Think that would be a Major Mistake.......... I've been watching a situation like this unfold for the last 4 years, with the Lady who's now My Love,...... Not quite the same,...It's the X-Him that's living in His Own Mind, Far from Reality..... But parallel none the less.... I think you should just Keep Doing exactly what you've Been doing,...... I Know it Won't be Easy,.... But,...Even with the constant Brainwashing from your X-lover,....... Your Son will See the Truth as time passes..... Kids are Alot Smarter than we Think they are,...... Your Boy will be able to make up His Own Mind in a couple of years,..... Wait it Out,.... You,+ your Boy will be Happier in the Long Run........ As stated above,...... Unless your X is a Really REALLY BAD Mom,........ You Don't Stand a Chance in Court.........

I kinda agree on this based on my experience.

dolluper · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

She is in breach of a court order denying you access to your child,maybe you can save a few bucks and try by talking to her parents by saying your going to take her to court {which they would probably be paying for anyways}, just maybe the parents can straighten her out real quick,like right away.IF NOT GO TO COURT RIGHT ASAP to get you rights [making the police enforce could be an option also maybe have a talk with them also before court]

brother chris · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Thanks for all the input. I plan on calling the courts and asking a sheriff to come with me, next Sat, for my scheduled visit. I have an email from her, refusing me any contact or allowing me to come to her house to get my son. We have a court order stating that I get him every other weekend. Hopefully she will contact me before then. Should I call her and tell her that I am bringing a cop with me to enforce my visit, or just show up with one? I am also going to talk with a court counsellor and try to set up an appointment with me and her and see if we can talk this over and if that does not work, then I am starting court preceedings. This really sucks! Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, B.C.

62_Kiwi · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Unfortunately I also relate and have some experience with this issue

I reckon that a parent's amount of influence over his/her children is proportional to the amount of time spent with them. So it's very important that you consistently and repeatedly communicate to your son (somehow) that you want to spend more time with him and also that he can not make a judgement on anything important without good exposure to both sides of the story... The court councellor is a good idea. There will probably be lots of experience in these sorts of issues there. Just my 2 cents...good luck!

Twidget · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

I have some experience in this, from the childs perspective. My parents divorced and my Mom did basically what you say your ex is doing. My Dad tried to take the high ground and not push it. PW2 and KRS have given you very good advice. By not enforcing his visitation and not letting it be known that he really loved us and was still supporting us, Dad left the door open for Moms propaganda. I was 12 at the time, so I sort of knew what was going on. My baby sister however was just 2 at the time and she was raised with it. She is now 35 years old and finally getting to know my Dad. She was shocked to find out that he had paid child support to her until she dropped out of college. Keep you chin up and dont ever give up on seeing our child. I cant stress that enough, there is no reason to trash your ex to him, but he definitely needs to know the truth.

Limited-Time · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Bondo, BB, and the others are all on line. Sheety as it seems now, in time your son will realize what the real deal is. As for your visitation rights fight for then as cleanly and legally as possible, your court ordered visitation rights are YOUR RIGHTS. Best of luck you.

Stratosfied · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

Some very good advice posted above. I have to agree with PW2.

QC · Mar 22, 2006

Re: need opinions please

I am a child of divorce too, and both sides bad mouthed the other at different times. The fact is that my dad is a flake, but not a bad human, and that my mom is a PITA, but not a bad human. I never believed that either parent was wrong or bad or whatever . . . even at 6, and 10, and 16, my opinion of my parents was based on my own experiences, not what either of them said. I have to be clear though, the bad mouthing was minor and not very often. I had a stepmother who would say things about my mom once in a while. All that did was help me to dislike my stepmother . . . I would ABSOLUTELY call her before I showed up with a cop. She needs to know that you are serious, but I would go to every extent possible to NOT have the cop scene where your son could witness it. If there is any chance she will come to her senses before that scene happened, I would try.

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