Delema

[KennyKenCan]

Has anyone else had this happen to them?<br /><br />Over the weekend I recieved a letter from 2 young men in Virginia, claiming that I was their father!<br /><br />Now, back in high school, I had a relationship with this girl, and somehow she became pregnant.<br /><br />I never denied the fact that the child would be mine, and I even offered to pay for whatever she wanted, abortion, child support, etc..., but she said that she had everything taken care of, and further assistance from me would not be required.<br /><br />Basically, she politly aked me to go away!<br /><br />This all took place at the end of my senior year, and I left for the U.S.M.C. two days after graduating high school, and I never saw this girl again, nor did I ever hear from her.<br /><br />Now, 25 years later I get this letter.<br /><br />Turns out that she had the baby, which turned out to be twins!<br /><br />Now these kids are claiming that I am their father, and that they would like to meet me.<br /><br />I guess my question is, should I open a dialoge with these kids, that I basically did not know existed?<br /><br />They did not say much, other than the fact that my name is on their birth certificates as the father, and that they would like to get to know me!<br /><br />What do they want to know?<br /><br />To be honest, this really scares me!<br /><br />I am not the same person I was back then, and I don't know what kind of nightmares their mother has told them about me, as I was no angel back then, and I know I'm not ready for most of the questions that they are probably going to ask.<br /><br />I'm not sure that I have the answers that they are looking for.<br /><br />For that matter, I'm not sure of the answers to anything right now!<br /><br />I am now married and divorced, with two children, a boy age 17,and a girl age 14.<br /><br />How do I now tell them, after all these years, they now have older twin brothers?<br /><br />Will this erode my relationship with them?<br /><br />Being divorced, and my children not living with me full time, I see them one weekend a month, I fear that the small relationship that I have with them will erode to a point where I would not see them anymore as a result of this new finding.<br /><br />That is unacceptable!!<br /><br />And I don't have a clue as to what to do.<br /><br />So, what I'm trying to say is, what would you guy's and gal's do?

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Delema

Yikes !!!!! <br /><br />However, being that they're 25 years old now I don't think they want any more than to get to know who you are. I would be curious if I was them. They probably want to find out if they look like you, act like you, have same aspirations in life as you and maybe even to need to know what your family health history is, etc. <br /><br />It might not be a negative encounter. It just might be the best thing thats ever happened to you.

 

[NOSLEEP]

Re: Delema

Lady fish is right, they are adults now. <br />perhaps the best way to handle this is to talk<br />to your children first. See how they will react<br />to the adition of unknown siblings, before any<br />further dialog with these men from your past.

 

[JGREGORY]

Re: Delema

KKC, I don't know what to tell you, Back when the Admiral and I where dating she got Pregnant and as we both did not have a pot to pee in, we put the baby up for adoption. If she came back I don't now it I would have the courage to see her.<br /><br />The only advise I could possibly offer is follow your heart. Do what you think is best for you and your current kids. The Twins are a part of your past life, we where all a little crazy and stupid when younger. If you do not wish to revist the past and possibly open new and old wounds then IMHO you should politely decline. <br /><br />I think maybe you should talk to your current kids and see how they feel about the situation before taking their feelings for granted.

 

[neumanns]

Re: Delema

Sorry Kenny, Your a man now...Step up to the plate! Questions, emotions and fears are only natural but There is only one option. Tell it like it is. I'm Counting on you !!!

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Delema

I totally agree about talking to your kids and involving them.

 

[gaugeguy]

Re: Delema

The exact same thing happened to a guy here at work (except it was just one child, a girl and he has no other children). He was going through the same emotions you are feeling now. He had a paternity test and it came back positive. He was worried about back child support and all kinds of crazy things. It ended up she just wanted to meet him, and get to know him. She now calls him "dad" and he describes her as his daughter. This one was a happy ending. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

 

[Elmer Fudge]

Re: Delema

I could'nt have said it better than Lady Fish did, but they're grown men being 25 yrs old and all.hey! but look on the bright side maybe they'll enjoy boating & fishing, and if that turns out to be the case then in getting to know each other things can only get better.

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

OK,<br /><br />So, I realize that I'm going to have to talk to these kids in some kind of format.<br /><br />I figured that I would first send them a letter.<br /><br />Or, should I call them, they gave me their phone number?<br /><br />What am I suppose to say to them??<br /><br />How personnally should I take their comments?<br /><br />This has really become a burden on my brain, and I'm afraid that I will say the wrong things to them!<br /><br />Shoot, I barely remember their mother!<br /><br />I even tryed looking in my yearbook for a photo of her yesterday, and wouldn't you know, she had one of those "Camera Shy" labels where her photo should have been!<br /><br />I really don't think I'm going to have a problem with my current kids, as they are very open-minded and responsive to personal tragedies like this, heck they got through the divorce.<br /><br />I'm really worried more about my ex, and the infuence that she may have over the kids because of this.<br /><br />She has always ridiculed everything I did!<br /><br />One last question...<br /><br />Why have they come forward at this moment in time, and WHY ME!!

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Delema

OMG, one thing NOT to say to them is<br />

I barely remember their mother!

<br /><br />Once you make the decision to get together with them, you should call them first and arrange to meet some place public that is not considered their turf or yours like a restuarant. Do this alone and do not include your other children yet.

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

See LadyFish, I am probably dumb enough to say something exactly like that!!

 

[marty_scher]

Re: Delema

What could you possibly say to these young men that could be "wrong"? <br /><br />It is doubtful that they are looking for a "daddy" and they probably have a good idea by now, how it all began.<br /><br />It sounds like they just want to meet their biological father, exchange chit-chat and maybe some medical history. There will probably be no finger-pointing or other accusations.<br /><br />Concerning your other children, this is reality and for better or worse, they will need to deal with it also. In today's times, it might not be that big of deal for them.<br /><br />Who knows, you might find the first meeting with your two sons quite pleasant and maybe the beginning of a life long relationship for the better.<br /><br />Good luck and relax.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Delema

Whatever you do KKC, whenever you do meet them, don't go into the place a hollering,<br />WOOO, WOOO, WOOO <br /><br />I'm sorry. <br /><br />Bad spinner, bad. <br /><br />It's a tuff spot to be in, but you have gotten some good advise so far.<br /><br />The most important thing is to be honest with yourself.<br /><br />If you feel you should meet them, go for it, and if you don't, tell them so.<br />They are adults. They will understand maybe.<br /><br />It's all up to you bud.<br /><br />But hey, hang in there, we are pulling for ya.<br />We are all in this together now.

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

Thanks for the kind words Marty.<br /><br />How do I start a conversation with these "new kids".<br /><br />There are too many unknowns to know what I'm going to say or do.<br /><br />Its not my kids I'm worried about, its my ex-wife and the rumors and tall tales that she is going to tell them, because of this!!<br /><br />I still have not resolved what I'm going to do yet, but is very hard to relax.<br /><br />Relax is truely an understatement!!<br /><br />I haven't slept since I opened that letter Friday night!<br /><br />I have taken punches in the face before, but this feels more like I was beaten from head to toe with a lead pipe!!<br /><br />How much time should I spend pondering this question.<br /><br />I don't want to call after its too late, plus I don't want to call too soon either?<br /><br />I think timing is the most important part of this whole thing, but where did they post that schedule??LoL<br /><br />All these unknowns makes my stomach very quesy!<br /><br />Guess I'm not going to get much sleep tonight either!!

 

[ehenry]

Re: Delema

I might have missed it in all these posts, but even though your name is on the birth certificate doesn't make you their father. Talk to your kids, tell them the whole story. If nothing else it should be a learning experience for them of what not to do in high school. Then ask the twins for a paternity blood test if it comes back negative, nothing lost nothing gained. If it comes back positive you've gained two children and possibly some grand kids down the road. I'm no attorney but its probably too late for their mother to claim any form of support payment. Just be forthright and honest to all involved.

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

SBN,<br /><br />You really have a nack for cheering people up, thanks.<br /><br />And thanks for your support!

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

Hey efhenry,<br /><br />I think your right about the mother being able to collect anything from me.<br /><br />After all these years, she can just go pound salt if she is expecting to get anything from me!<br /><br />I ain't got nothing anyway!<br /><br />As far as me being the father, they are probably correct, as I know I had gotten her pregnant and did not know what became of that pregnancy.<br /><br />If I actually do get to meet them though, I think that I should pusue the paternaty tests as promptly as possible, to rid all questions of doubt.<br /><br />Any relationship that follows that, I guess will be either excellant, or bogus.

 

[KennyKenCan]

Re: Delema

Hey all,<br /><br />I will not be able to respond to any of your responses, as I have to do some field work tommorrow and will not be in the office until Wednesday.<br /><br />Keep posting your responses though, as will be monitoring them.<br /><br />I think I'm planning on some sort of contact with the "new kids" sometime before the weeks end.<br /><br />Thanks to all who have responded, your insights have been very helpful.

 

[gonfishn]

Re: Delema

Man did you hit home here..Seeing this and trying to explain will be hard..I to had a son and his mother and I decided that getting married with no love would be a mistake. All she asked of me was never to contact her.<br /><br />Sixteen years later I get a call and she tells me your son wants your name on his birth certificate and wants to meet you..<br /><br />We met at a private place. What do I say and how to explain to him were in my thoughts. Telln the truth was very important she told me. I did and the meeting was great. He does not call me dad but we are very close now. Do it in person and hold nothing back. You are their blood<br />and they have right to know who you are. Where it goes from there is up to you and them..<br /><br />He now is about to have his first child and it makes me very proud to say that he has taken it upon himself to tell all that I am about to become a real Grandpa..What a kid..<br /><br />I think Neaumanns said it best and it fit me to a tee..Thanks John..

 

[roscoe]

Re: Delema

I would take it slow.<br />A series of letters to get slightly aquainted.<br />Tell them you are nervous.<br />Tell them a little about you.<br />Exchange photos.<br />Ask about them, interests, jobs, girlfriends/wives, etc.<br />After a few letters, try a few phone calls.<br />You may learn alot about their frame of mind, intentions, expectations, and will have a basis of conversation, when and if you do meet.<br /><br />I wouldn't rush it, with the holidays and all.<br />They've waited this long, knowing you were out there, but you just found out they exist, and your minor children don't know about them yet. They need to adjust to this, and the holidays are stressful enough on them.<br /><br />I would aim for a mid January meeting at the earliest.<br /><br />Good Luck.