Delema

[roscoe]

Re: Delema

Oh, i know, write them about this site, and tell them your screen name. Let them read!!!

 

[CCrew]

Re: Delema

Ok, this is a response you may not like, but you're getting it anyway..<br /><br />You were man enough to father a child, living up to it now is the price you need to pay. If you are their father, skirting or avoiding it now is only an insult. There may well be two young men that have grown up always wondering who their father is. They may need to know that. If one of them was you, wouldn't *you* want to know? <br /><br />I have 5 children by three different women. Never once did I shirk my responsibility, and fought and won custody of all of them. Three are still at home, one away at college, and one in the USMC. <br /><br />But..I wouldn't open this up to the ex and your current children until all the facts are straight, and you're sure. <br /><br />-Roger

 

[oddjob]

Re: Delema

Blood can be thicker than muddied water.<br /><br /> Kenny, earlier I had created three (make it four)different parcial replies and deleted them. I have a similar situation that is too complex (if you ask me) to get into details. <br /><br />I think a phone conversation would be the next step if you are willing. Offer to exchange photos and do also what Ladyfish said. They may be young adults but you can still make an immpression on them. Dont try to pick up where you left off so to speak, just start with today forward. You really have no choice. Dont be afraid to ask questions, and dont bad mouth momma whatsoever! <br /><br />My two sons 8 and 11, love their 16 year old half brother that just moved in 3 months ago. I was never allowed to meet him until now. After a year of phone contact he just asked if I wanted him. He loves his mother of course and sometimes criticizes her but I dare not agree even when he is dead right about it. I have to work from now forward. Hes yet to ask me any tough questions about what happened, but I have my answers when the time comes. <br /><br />At first, it is difficult to share this with your family and friends who have had no clue, but remember how you present them will be how they are initially welcomed by your circle of friend and family.<br /><br />Oh, and about the current wife thing. I didnt ask for her permission, or later forgiveness. He needed me and he is my child. He was on a bus when I told everyone. Before my current wife and I married I told her this would be a possibilty. Since shes threatened divorce more times than I can count(and I've since agreed this past year, but shes having second thoughts now, ummmmm ), I had nothing to lose here at the homefront. I gained another fine son whos an asset to my family. Wheither she likes it or not.<br /><br />He may go back and thats ok too, but my arms are wide open no matter what.<br /><br />Life is as perfect as you can make it Kenny, Good luck whatever you decide.<br /><br />PS- everyone is giving you good advice and I especially like roscoe's. Very good points, all.

 

[scamper]

Re: Delema

Lucky me, I haven’t been in that situation but I believe if it happened to me I would look at my current situation. If I were happy with my life now and thought for even a second that this could compromise what I now have, I would let the past just die. I believe LadyFish was correct in her comment. They are mature people, but if I thought this could upset the way things are for me now, well I would pass. If on the other hand you think that you could explain to your wife and kids what happened in the passed and they were all right with it then you could at least get resolution to this situation. You know your family, would they accept this? I feel it is **** if you do and **** if you don’t at best. You and your family have the rest of your lives to live. If you’re not sure at this moment don’t jeopardize what you have. If later things come clear, you can attempt reconciliation at that point.

 

[OBJ]

Re: Delema

Kenny, perhaps a DNA test would be in order before anything else? If you are not sure if you are the father and there is some doubt, put it to rest with a paternity test. After that, go which ever way your heart tells you to go. Put any doubts aside right off the bat. <br /><br />Just my $.02 worth.

 

[RICKRICK1]

Re: Delema

Kenny---<br /><br />Had basically the same thing happen to me. When I was just in the service met a girl whose parents could not stand me (GI). Not me personally, but the fact I was in the service. We went our separate ways, both of us married someone else. I got a phone call from her 28 years later and was<br />informed that I had a daughter and that the daughter wanted to meet me. Seems she had never told the daughter and thru some medical thing the daughter found out that the person she called DAD was not her father. He has passed. <br /><br />I have since met my daughter one time, at a resturant for about 3 hours. She basically just wanted to meet me. I had talked with her on the phone one time (15 minutes)to set up the meeting. I have since tried to get in touch with her several times and she will not contact me. Her mother says that the daughter does not want any thing to do with her also. The daughter has since married and moved away from home. She will not let her mother see her grand children. Been 5 years and nothing. My wife knows, but neither of our children know of her.<br />Wish she had at least kept in touch.<br /><br />Rick

 

[tylerin]

Re: Delema

KKC, Wow....Twins no less<br />If you think your going through a little he!!, just think about what those kids are going through. I think you should be honest w/ everyone in your life, less things for you to have to remember w/ the truth. Take care Ken, I hope everything goes well for you, I support you.

 

[ebbtide176]

Re: Delema

you really are getting plenty of good info it appears. my 2c would be...<br /><br />lots of guys could be faced with this and its good to read this, and think about it. who remembers all the encounters they've had when young & foolish? not many.<br /><br />i think the twins are simply curious, and feel part of their life is blank- geneaology is a strong interest the older you get. they probably want to find out a little more of 'who' you are. things like: are you a nice guy, take care of yourself, what you do for a living, what you've done while they were growing up, just a simple documentary of sorts of 'their father'.<br /><br />i think you'd be living with this cloud of anxiety if you never get the details of 2 children of yours. i bet the curiosity would eventually get to you. anyone could always use 2 more people to love them for life.<br /><br />on the way to find out more about them, i think others gave super ideas. maybe phone calls, later a meeting for lunch, then maybe a dinner, then maybe a whole day fishing. i guess if i were in your shoes i'd think of them as relatives you never met, and you're simply trying to get to know them. find out what they do, what they like, what kind of personalities do they have? (how to tell them apart)lol<br /><br />i'd let them know you're surprised to hear from them, it was so long ago, you didn't know what happened to their mother, never heard from her again, etc. after all, you don't really owe them anything but consideration and to be loved as much as you would any relative. think of them as nephews if it helps <br /><br />my natural father was out of my life from 2-19yrs of age. i didn't worry about it much as my 'pop' came into my life at @ 6yrs old. i felt totally neutral on my nat-father, but like when you think of - what you want to do with your life, and what goes on in the world outside your hometown, you want to know of your history. and that begins with those who conceived you. <br /><br />my older sisters told me my 'dad' asked about me. but at first i thought it would be weird having some 'uncle-type' guy hugging on me and acting like we were lifelong buds or something...since i was his only son. <br /><br />but later i was living on my own and agreed to meet at a restaurant. we had talked on the phone maybe 2-3x. he was just calm, nice, acted like i was just a cool guy he'd like to know, another friend to have.<br /><br />we saw each other every few yrs, living far apart as we did. always sent christmas cards etc. as i got older and started keeping in touch with relatives more, and as he got into his 70's, i tried to visit at least once a yr. <br /><br />i spent a whole father's day weekend riding him around in a boat & fishing one weekend not too long ago. we always acted like regular friends, and talked as we would to any other bud. one day i realized i might not have actually ever told him i loved him. he always said he was glad i came to visit & i always said i was glad to get to see him. i called him up one night in Dec and told him. not 2 days passed and he died early one morning of a massive heart attack.<br /><br />its always good to make more friends, and you never know until you give it a try

 

[neumanns]

Re: Delema

Kenny,...Glad to hear you plan to contact them. As for the paternity test's etc, Sounds like you believe your the father why not hold up on this...Kinda sends the wrong message(I Think). When you meet them I'll bet youll know for sure in the first 30 seconds. If down the road you decide to that would seem appropriate.<br /><br />As for the meeting I would pick a whole day that I had free and pick Meeting time. If things go well you have all day. If things are dragging after a couple hours you can excuse yourself for that "commitment" That you have at 3pm.<br /><br />At the meeting Stick with the facts: dont try to make yourself out to be something it wasn't. And be honest about what happened between you and there mother. I'll bet there more interested in you than what happened.<br /><br />As for your minor children & Ex: It is up to you to decide how much they know and when; but be Honest with what you tell them!<br /><br />In the end the truth may be unpleasant but afterall thats what happened. And who knows it may not be unpleasant at all. <br /><br />My wife looked up her paternal mother at the age of 19 and enjoys a relationship with her as well as her mom. She also found out who her father was but not from her patrenal mother. Things would be better if only she would admit who the father was but she refuses. Other than that things are good between them.

 

[ebbtide176]

Re: Delema

i guess if they accused you of being a sorry SOB, you could always - tell the truth! you were given the cold shoulder, told to forget about the whole thing, get lost, hit the road,etc... i can't say some people won't try to put a guilt trip on you, but just remember, you are only human.<br /><br />if you're not beaten up too badly, you can tell them what it feels like to find out you have 2 new sons, or tell them ok, forget it, you still love them anyway. (i'd not expect the bad part, unless they're really still babies in adult size bodies)<br /><br />your only 2 bad outcomes could be: beatup & apologizing to 2 people. <br /><br />that should make you feel much better! tada! now you can toss that cloud of worry! <br /><br />good: new fishing buds for life<br />bad: a bad reunion you don't have to go thru again.<br /><br />i guess you can get a good idea on it all with a couple of phone calls...

 

[rwise]

Re: Delema

KennyKenCan<br />If it were me I would replie to their letter. Whatever they have been told about you dosen't matter at all. Above all DO NOT talk bad about their mother, that will turn them against you fast. Just tell them the truth. When I got my divorce, my child was hidden from me for 12 years and told that I died of a drug overdose! I always told my kids that they had a big sister out there and someday we would find here. We see her all the time now, and my kids love her. Just what they always wanted, a big sister. If your kids do not know that there is a posibility of family out there somewhere they may be shocked a little, but will get over it. Just talk to them, they may even think it's cool! Todays kids are open to this kind of thing, they see it everwhere.<br /><br />Go for it, talk to them, set up a time to get together.<br />Richard

 

[samagee]

Re: Delema

Well, from someone that has never met my real father. I know that I just want to know his side of the story, and see what his side of the family is like. It is like putting a complete picture together of who you are. However, my mother passed away in 98 with a selective memory. My borth cirtificate was messed up by the person she did marry 6 months later. This person was dodging the draft and lied to a judge that I was his so he would be moved back on the draft list. The story was something like that anyway.<br /><br />The end result was all evidence was destroyed and I have only a small amount of information. I do know that my grandmother on my mom's side kept me from being aborted or put up for adoption. I also know his name and where they were stationed. The sickening part is, his name is very common. <br /><br />At any rate, they just want a complete picture of whats what and who they are. Don't fret it.

 

[jim phillips]

Re: Delema

Kenny<br />Good or bad, They are your son's and you are there father. If there mom had told them bad things about you do you think that they would be trying to get in touch with you after all this time ? I would not think so. You have been offered a gift that you shoud not pass up, to get to know your kids.<br /><br />Go for it<br /><br /> Jim

 

[plywoody]

Re: Delema

I think you have no choice but to contact them. My guess, at this point in time, they just want to know who their father is. I doubt if they are looking for a "daddy"<br />But whatever, it is your obligation to at least contact them, and see what happens.<br />As far as your current children go, be open and honest with them. Kids are very resilient, and understand that their parents are not perfect

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Delema

Such good advice Kenny from all your forum friends. I wanted to add a couple more thoughts.<br /><br />Don't sweat it; it is only natural that your sons would want to meet their b-father -- curiosity, connecting the full circle, call it what you will, but sometimes it is necessary for "closure." <br /><br />And, rather than say “I hardly even remember your mother”, you might try “We were young and impetuous back then”. Just a thought. <br /><br />It is NOW and the future that is important. If all parties agree, you need to continue to develop a relationship with each other and learn to understand the emotions you will experience as your reunion progresses. It will take time, but time well spent.<br /><br />The alternative is.....NOT to meet and get to know them. Then you might go through life wondering what could have been. You also might bear worse feelings of guilt. This could turn out to be the most meaningful and blissful experiences in your lifetime and theirs.<br /><br />Your decision is a good one. I admire you for giving them a chance to collect on their heritage; to know the families with which they share genes, to learn about themselves through YOU. You have been given a precious gift and probably have more than enough love to spread around. Your other sons will respect and admire you for doing the right thing.<br /><br />Good luck.

 

[rogerwa]

Re: Delema

If it were me and they had just discovered that I existed, the last thing I would want implanted in their minds is a negative opinion of me. I would want to show them I am a responsible individual and not a coward unwilling to face my past.<br /><br />I feel you owe them this. They were the little boys who did not have a daddy to help them learn to play baseball or to be there on christmas morning. <br /><br />Get over your jitters and show them who you are..

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: Delema

Kenny, I think you are over thinking this. Meeting these kids is gonna be a fluid situation.....like combat.....it ain't do no good to plan it all out and think up what to say. Just take a deep breath and step off into it. And just like in combat, keep your head on straight. You'll do just fine and everything will work out. This is one of them situations where the phrase "cast your cares upon the Lord" comes to mind.

 

[LubeDude]

Re: Delema

Well Kenny, I know we got off on a sour note to begin with, but I think you are beating yourself up too much on this! I beleive we are all going to hear about how great this reunion went when it happens!! Just think, More grandkids to spoil!!<br /><br />I think LadyFish is probably right, This will more than likely be one of the best things in your life! Your kids will adapt to it well! Especially because there is quite an age difference!<br /><br />LubeDude

 

[Carphunter]

Re: Delema

Boy Kenny, I take off work and go huntin for a few days and look what happens!!! <br /><br />Go easy on yourself there buddy.<br /><br /> These "kids" are adults now. I am sure they are curious as to what kind of person you are, wouldn't you be? It shouldn't change your relationship with your other children though. If it was me, I would set-up a meeting someplace with them, and just talk. Tell them that you didn't even know that they existed, because you were never contacted til now. Tell them about yourself, and ask them about their lives, ect. Again, they probably just want to know what kind of person you are. Just be yourself, and everything will be fine. Look at this as a blessing and not a burden.<br /><br />Everything will be ok, because they are adults now, not children.<br /><br />.......and as always, if you need some moral support, myself, and the rest of your iboats family, are here for ya. <br /><br />Hey, maybe this will mean you will get more presents at Christmas. <br />......or you have to buy more. .......

 

[knobby]

Re: Delema

Whadda ya mean, somehow she became pregnant? Is there lots of ways?