tell me if you've heard this one

[derwood]

there was a budist preist, a catholic preist and a rabi in a boat on a fishing trip. bout 10clock the budist preist says to the catholic preist " i am realy thirsty. i'm going to the truck to get a drink." then the catholic preist says " me to, bring me one would ya." so the budist preist steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore. the rabi's eyes get as big as dinner plates and turns to the catholic preist and says " his faith must be strong to be so close to his god as to be able to walk on water!" the catholic preist just looks at the rabi and smiles. the budist preist returns with the drinks as promised and they begin to fish again. about noon the catholic preist says to the budist preist " i sure am hungry. i'm going to the truck to get the sandwiches." the budist preist says " bout that time, could ya bring me one too." "sure" says the catholic preist. he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore. the stunned rabi just watches in amazement as the catholic preist walks back across the water with the cooler in hand and gets in the boat. well by now the rabi is starting to doubt himself a little , but says to himself " my faith in god is just as strong as theirs. if they can do it so can i." a little more time goes by and the rabi is just waitting for the chance to prove himself to the others. soon the catholic preist says " looks like we are going to be a little late getting back. one of us should go to the truck and get the cell phone so we can let someone know whats happend to us." the rabi shouts " i'll get it! i have to make a phone call to!" so he gathers up all his faith and says a quick prayer and steps out of the boat. SPLUSH... the rabi sinks strait to the bottom. the budist preist and the catholic preist look over the side of the boat at the rabi, then they look at each other and say " guess we should have told him where the rocks were."<br /> heard that one this morning. busted a gut. for those of you that have heard it, did i get it right. my fingers are going to divorce me now and my keyboard is yelling RAPE so i've got to go. hope ya liked it. derwood

 

[crab bait]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

YOU TOLD IT RITE , DERWOOD.. i have heard it before, but still funny as ever.. why's everybody gang up on the RABBI ? there was a church in mexico who needed someone to ring the bell on sundays .. no one showed but this boy with no arms.. the priest says " i don't think you can , my son , because of your handicap. boy says " i know i can do it , I KNOW I CAN !!.. well, o k lets see .. so up the tall bell tower they went.. got up to the bell free , there's the bell. a big, big brass bell. ok , ring it ,says the priest.. the armless boy gets back ,takes a good look at the bell an takes off arunnin'. goes smack face first rite into the bell .. BAAARAAAGGG the bell rings.. he getsback again runs face first,, BAAARAAAGGG . IT MAKES A BEAUTIFUL SOUND. boy gets back again. runs at it , but miss times it and the boy runs rite by the bell an rite out the window..... S P L A T ... rite on the ground below... the towns people gather around ... WHO IS THIS BOY WHO IS THIS BOY.. the priest comes walkin' down .. FATHER FATHER WHO IS THIS BOY ............ the priest says ,,,, i don't know his name , but his face rings a bell

 

[derwood]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

thats a good one that i have'nt heard before. i don't hear to many jokes surveying. its on my list of things to say tommorow for sure. everybody picks on rabis and red headed step children. don't know why. but they are written about as much as money. did you see the post on rubber worms. i realy have never seen a 12in worm and just don't know what to tell him. its a family fourm so i stayed away from the profalactic side of things, but it was very tempting target. he left himself wide open for a goooood one. this whole shoaFIN thing is kind of catching on and is a lot of fun. we should keep it going.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. <br /><br />Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. <br /><br />About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" <br /><br />The man says no. <br /><br />Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" <br /><br />The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." <br /><br />"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" <br /><br />"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." <br /><br />Bob

 

[Ross J]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Three elderly gents sitting on a bridge fishing in the local river enjoying an afternoon togeather when along comes a funeral procession. Chap in the middle puts down his fishing rod, stands, takes off his hat and bows his head in deep respect. After a while he sits down quietly amongst his friends and resumes fishing. <br />Says his friend, "That was very decent of you mate".<br />"It was the least I could do after 40 years of marriage mate!", came the reply.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

For the computer minded <br /><br />The Gatesmobile <br />At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: <br /><br />1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. <br /><br />2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. <br /><br />3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. <br /><br />4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. <br /><br />5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNET," but then you would have to buy more seats. <br /><br />6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads. <br /><br />7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light. <br /><br />8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. <br /><br />9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna. <br /><br />10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. <br /><br />11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. <br /><br />12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off! <br /><br />Bob

 

[derwood]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

i'm glad i put this post up. i've heard more good jokes in the last three days than in the last three years. i'm just sorry that i only had the one joke to tell. you guys are cracken me up. i'm going to print this and take it to work. they are all new to me witch makes it that much better. thanks guys ..keep em commen.<br /> derwood

 

[ebbtide176]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

(i'm not the best joke teller....)<br />there was this freighter that got caught inna bad storm, and sunk. a couple of guys made it out and swam to a lifeboat. (i think 1 was Irish, but not sure)<br />....so, after a few days floating around, they're about to perish from thirst and food. by now, they're saying they just want somethin to drink, to h$ll with eating seaweed anymore.<br />-then they feel something bump-bump-bump against the boat. 1 guy leans over, picks up the bottle. its all slimy, so he wipes it off. out POPS a genie. the genie sez 'hey look, i'm not your regular kind of genie, i'm giving you 1 wish, and it better be good!<br />......<br />so 1 guy shouts out " make all the ocean a fine ale!" POOF! <br />- now there is nothing but a fine amber ale all around, and the guy tastes it, and it is FINE STUFF...<br />- bout then the other guy pipes up - " way to go dumba$$! - now we gotta **** in tha boat!"

 

[crab bait]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

here in delaware it's really to different states,,, upper & slower lower delaware.. the people in slower delaware are a HOLE DIFFERANT bred , for sure... a slower delaware 911 call ::: hello 911. ( long pause ) caller: yea , my wife she up an died an i be needin' someone to come a take her to the furnrel parlor. ( longerpause ) 911 center:: sure what"s your address . ( longer pause ) caller :: 1342 EUCALYPTUS COURT. ( AREAL LONG PAUSE) 911 CENTER :: can you spell that , please. ( a very very long pause ) caller :: how 'BOUT IF'N I DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET.

 

[62_Kiwi]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

LOL - Crab Bait, I've been chuckling for the last few hours since I read your 911 story! Do please tell us some more about Delaware...<br /><br />----<br /><br />It was the worst trout season New Zealand had experienced for years and the disgruntled American tourist held up his single fish. <br /><br />"I've come half way around the world to catch this one darn fish, so I reckon it's cost me at least $10,000!" he said.<br /><br />"Bloomin' lucky you only caught one then..." replied his guide.<br /><br />-----<br /><br />Fisherman's prayer;<br /><br />Lord give me the luck to catch a fish<br />So big that even I<br />When talking of it afterwards<br />May have no need to lie <br />

 

[derwood]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

you guys are truely golden. even my wife is laughen. i'll be printing these to. more, more i need more.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The Pillsbury Doughboy is DEAD Rest in Peace.<br />Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.<br /><br />Bob

 

[62_Kiwi]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

It was so cold the other day that the local flasher was seen describing himself to a woman.<br />

 

[crab bait]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

GEEZ BOB , you gotta be a genious to remember them jokes .. smart as a tack.. i really liked the dough-boy one .. but it safe.. i'll never remember it all .. very clever !!

 

[crab bait]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

2 engineering students meet on campus, when one says great bicycle where you get it..the other says i was walkin' along when a beautiful lady rode up on a bike , removed all her clothes an said take what you want.. the other engineer nodded approvingly.. " good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit

 

[62_Kiwi]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The sergeant answered the phone at the police station. The voice at the other end was slow and slurred.<br />"I wanna report a theft offisher. I've been robbed. Shum dirty crook has shtolen things from my car."<br />"What kind of things?" asked the sergeant.<br />"My shteering wheel, brakes, dashboard, accellerator... the bloody lot's gone!"<br />The sergeant humoured him for a while and then said he would investigate. "Bloody drunks!" he muttered as he hung up the phone.<br />Five minutes later the phone rang again.<br />"Cancel that report offisher. It's all right. Yers can stop lookin'." said the same voice. "My mishtake. I jez got inter the back seat!"<br />

 

[crab bait]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

drunk stumbles down the street an stumbles thru the door of a church .. stumbles down the aisle crushes over the pews .gets up a stumbles into the confessional.. half pass out he just sits there for awhile moanin & gruntn' .. after a few minutes the priest enters in on his side of the confessional an asks " may i help you my son ?" the drunk answers " yea , do you have any toilet paper over on your side ??

 

[62_Kiwi]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A large woman at a social function was startled to find herself seized and embraced by a man who was somewhat under the weather...<br />"Hexcuse me, I'm soo shorry!" he spluttered. "I thought for a mooment that you were mah wife."<br />The woman quickly recovered from her surprise and snarled "Fancy having a drunken slob like you for a husband, you clumsy gross disgusting beast!"<br />"Crickey," he slurred, "you not only look like her, you shound like her too!"

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The Biggest Lies In The World... <br /><br />* It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have. <br /><br />* I promise to pay you back on my next paycheck. <br /><br />* You made it yourself? I never would have guessed! <br /><br />* Your hair looks just fine. <br /><br />* It's delicious but I can't eat another bite. <br /><br />* Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another soul. <br /><br />* The doctor will call you right back. <br /><br />* You don't look a day over 50. <br /><br />* Your baby is just beautiful. <br /><br />* Put the map away. I know where we're at. <br /><br />* Having a great time. Wish you were here<br /><br />

 

[ebbtide176]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Bobvt- those lies are funny. everytime my wife sees a newborn, she just thinks they're beautiful.... i've always thought they all look like martians or just plain ugly as h&ll! -even our little girl when she was born kinda worried me about what she'd look like later with a head like that! <br />hehehe