tell me if you've heard this one

[Capt. Bob]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A ventriloquist on his way to Las Vegas spots an old Indian on the side of the road. The Indian has a teepee and he is sitting by a small fire with his cow, pig and a sheep around him. The ventriloquist decides to have some fun and stops.<br />He walks up to the old Indian and asks him how he is and the Indian says "how". <br /><br />The ventriloquist sits down by the fire and asks the cow how she is doing and then throws his voice and makes the cow reply, "I'm doing fine, the old Indian is good to me." The old Indian grunts "ugh". <br /><br />He then asks the pig how he is doing and throws his voice to make the pig say, "I'm doing fine too, the old Indian is good to me too." The old Indian raises his brow and grunts, "ugh". <br /><br />Then the ventriloquist turns to the sheep and says, Well sheep how does the old Indian treat you?" <br />At that point the old Indian speaks up and says, "SHEEP LIE!"<br /><br />Love the jokes...keep them coming!

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.<br />Products will now be labeled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced" fat and "fat, <br />but great personality."<br /><br />

 

[Beernutz]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Two ol' boys were huntin' in the woods one day, when they came upon a big hole on the ground. They look down it, but can't see the bottom, so they drop a stone in and listen for it to hit. They hear nothing, so they drop a big rock down. Still nothing. Figgerin' this must be the deepest hole in the world, they look around and find an ol' railroad tie in the bushes. They drag it over and shove it into the hole.<br /><br />Suddenly they hear a loud rattling sound, and a goat charges out of the bushes and jumps down the hole. They thought that was pretty wierd, so were sitting there thinking about it when a farmer walks up and asks them if they've seen a goat around anywhere.<br /><br />They tell the farmer that a goat just jumped down that hole. He says, "Nah, that couldn't have been my goat. I had my goat chained to a railroad tie".

 

[denniz]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Beernutz that was the best one. lol

 

[naughtybynature]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

psst moose.... these guys DO have a sense of humor. wonder why capt bob and mellow yellow didn't post on this thread. thinkin out loud again.

 

[flashback]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Sloopy, I gotta ask, was that cat dead or alive?

 

[flashback]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A blind guy walks into a bar with his dog and sits down and orders a beer, when the bartender gets back with the beer, the guy is standing in the middle of the room slinging the dog around by the hind legs. well, the bartender freaks out and says" what the heck are you doing to your dog?". blind guy says, don't worry, Im just takin a look around........

 

[MGuckin]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

50" World Record Rainbow Trout<br /><br />There was a priest that loved to stream fish. <br />One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great.<br /><br />The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew.<br /><br />An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?".<br /><br />God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout.<br /><br />Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?"<br /><br />God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

 

[CalicoKid]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A bear is doing what bears do in the woods and getting frustrated because of all the dingleberries in his fur when he notices a white rabbit making raisins nearby. He calls the rabbit over and asks "Hey Rabbit, you got a problem with sh!t stickin' to your fur?" The rabbit replies "Nope!" So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his hairy arss off with it!

 

[Beernutz]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Good one, MG!<br /><br />The perfect dilemma.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. <br /><br />It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." <br /><br />The wife read the article, thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband: "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." <br /><br />"What?" said her husband. <br /><br />

 

[durk187]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A cathloic priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench when a 9yr old boy ran by. The priest said to the rabbi "wanna screw him", , rabbi said "out of what?"

 

[shooter26]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.<br />You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you > started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you........ ....you f***ing mosquito

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Cop Comments <br /><br />NOTE: The following are allegedly true comments made by police while on the job. <br /><br />1. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." <br /><br />2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." <br /><br />3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" <br /><br />4. "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" <br /><br />5. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." <br /><br />6. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" <br /><br />7. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." <br /><br />8. "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." <br /><br />9. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

By invitation, twenty CEOs board an airplane and, once on board, are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. <br /><br />Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. <br /><br />Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. <br /><br />One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. <br /><br />When asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replied: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." <br /><br />

 

[dmessy]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

So why couldn't Sloopy go see the new pirate movie?<br />Cause its rated "Aaarrr" and full of chests and booty

 

[sloopy]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

good one!

 

[dmessy]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Thought you might enjoy

 

[butlp]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when<br />his telephone rang.<br /><br />"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said, "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to<br />inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"<br /><br />"Well, Paddy, "Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is<br />your army?"<br /><br />"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,my<br />cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from<br />the pub. That makes eight!"<br /><br /> Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my<br />army waiting to move on my command."<br /><br />"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the<br />next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have<br />managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"<br /><br />"And what equipment would that be,<br />Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and<br />Murphy's farm tractor."<br /><br />Saddam sighed, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and14,000<br />armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million<br />since we last spoke."<br /><br />"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy,<br />"I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next<br />day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves<br />airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns<br />in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"<br /><br />Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell<br />you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My<br />military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile<br />sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"<br /><br />"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."<br /><br />Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.<br />Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."<br /><br />"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"<br /><br />"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and<br />decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

 

[dmessy]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

I thought the punch line was going to be"called the war off but thanks for the info. Passed it on to GW though, should be hearing from him soon!"