tell me if you've heard this one

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Stranded On An Island <br /><br />One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. <br /><br />As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. <br /><br />Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" <br /><br />"Ten years," replies the stunned man. <br /><br />With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!" <br /><br />"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. <br /><br />Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years." <br /><br />She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. <br /><br />He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" <br /><br />At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" <br /><br />With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?" <br /><br /> :cool:
 

prplhze65

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

LOL!That last one was FUNNY!! Heres one: Why does a dog lick himself? ......NO, not because he can. Cuz he cant make a fist!!!!
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The Baptism <br /><br />Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" <br /><br />"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." <br /><br />"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" <br /><br />"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey." <br /><br /> :D
 

crab bait

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

there was an iraqi man around an oaise..<br />just him & his camel.. he LIKED his camel very much..he started gettin' a little randy & made a sand mound behind the camel just high enuff to allow the iraqi acess to do the 'nasty' & the camel takes a step forward ... so the iraqi makes another mound & just about ready ,, the camel takes a few steps forward.. the iraqi's gettin' madder & madder & hornier by the minute..<br />all of a sudden he hears a lady drownin' & yellin' for help.. <br />so he stops what he's doin' ,,runs & jumps in to save her..pulls her up on the beach to safety..<br />THANK YOU ,she says.. you saved my life.. i'll do anything for you.!! <br />the iraqi says ' ANYTHING ' .!!<br />YES, anything .!!<br />ok, says the iraqi..<br />hold this camel still for a couple minutes
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The Investigation <br /><br />A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. <br /><br />The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" <br /><br />"Yes," replied the man. <br /><br />"Did you hit her with that golf club?" asks the detective. <br /><br />"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. <br /><br />"How many times did you hit her?" <br /><br />"I don't know. Five, six, seven ... put me down for a five." <br /><br /> :cool:
 

MGuckin

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?<br />A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

No Insurance <br /><br />A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. <br /><br />As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. <br /><br />He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." :( <br /><br />The nun asked if he had money in the bank. <br /><br />He replied, "No money in the bank." :( <br /><br />The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" :confused: <br /><br />He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." :rolleyes: <br /><br />The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." :mad: <br /><br />The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." :D <br /><br /> :cool:
 

derwood

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Q: Why arent there any pools in cuba?<br /><br />A: everybody that can swim is already here. :D <br /><br />derwood.
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Look At That! <br /><br />Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" <br /><br />The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?" <br /><br /> :rolleyes:
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

At The Post Office <br /><br />A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them. <br /><br />His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. <br /><br />The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" <br /><br />"But why?" asks the man. <br /><br />"I'm a divorce lawyer," the balding man replies.
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

At The Pearly Gates <br /><br />A man appeared before the pearly gates. St. Peter asked, " Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?" <br /><br />The man said, " I can think of one thing. Once I came upon a gang of Hells Angels who were threatening a young women. I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen, so I approached the biggest, and most heavily tattooed biker of the bunch. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike and ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him if he didn't leave her alone he'd answer to me." <br /><br />St. Peter was impressed, and asked, "When did this happen?" <br /><br />"Just a couple of minutes ago," said the man<br /> :eek:
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Some people on this board may never understand this one due to location!<br /><br />A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."<br /><br />The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"<br /><br />He ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of <br />breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!"<br /><br />He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. <br /><br />The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"<br /><br /> :D
 

Beached

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

THE ONLY difference between a fairy tale and a sea story is,a fairy tale starts out...once upon a time.A sea story starts out...this is no s..t!!
 

sloopy

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

So mother tareesa goes up into heaven and meets Snt. Petter, he gives her her halo, later that day in heaven Mother Tareesa sees Princes die and she has this HUGE halo, so mother tareesa goes over to snt. Peter and ask why she has a bigger halo then her. Then Peter says "that's not a halo thats a stearing wheel!"
 

sloopy

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

What do dale Earnheart and Pink floyd have in common?<br /><br />There last greatest hit was the wall!!! :D :D
 

sloopy

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

drunk.jpg
 

Bob_VT

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

The Temperance Sermon <br /><br />A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With a great, booming voice he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." <br /><br />With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." <br /><br />And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." <br /><br />Sermon complete, he then sat down. <br /><br />The choir director -- who, oddly enough, was named JB :D -- then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile: "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn number 365 -- 'We Shall Gather at the River'." <br /><br /> :cool:
 

Beernutz

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Q: What's the last words out of a country boy's mouth before he dies?<br /><br />A: "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
 

Mike NZ

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Re: tell me if you've heard this one

An old Moari guy walking back from the river, gets himself noticed by a fish cop who says "Whats in the bucket Hemi? What bucket? says Hemi. The bucket you have in your hand with all the undersized trout in it. Oh... that bucket,they're my pet trout I just bought them down for a swim. A swim? Yeh, thats right,um...er...yeh a swim. I bring them down each day for some exercise, when its time to go I just whistle and they swim back into the bucket. Perhaps you'd like to show me that trick Hemi before I do the paperwork. Well sure. Back down the river they go, Hemi releases his trout and leans against a tree. "Well?" says the warden after a few minutes have gone by. "Well what?" says Hemi. "Whistle to your fish and get them back into the bucket." Hemi looks at him and says "What fish?"
 
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