tell me if you've heard this one

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Wisdom <br /><br />An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. <br /><br />Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. <br /><br />"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. <br /><br />Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. <br /><br />At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." <br /><br />The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." <br /><br />

 

[DJ]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

What's an Irish seven course dinner?<br /><br />A six pack and a potato!<br /><br />Notice: I left the "e" off of potato.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

1.) Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.<br /><br />2.) I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.<br /><br />3.) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"<br /><br />4.) I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.<br /><br />5.) Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."<br /><br />6.) The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.<br /><br />7.) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<br /><br />8.) I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.<br /><br />9.) If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?<br /><br />10.) I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.<br /><br />11.) The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.<br /><br />12.) There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the witch.<br /><br />13.) If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now <br />THAT'S a message!!<br /><br />14.) Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.<br /><br />15.) I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.<br /><br />16.) I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!<br /><br />17.) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.<br /><br />18.) Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.<br /><br />19.) If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?<br /><br />20.) How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?<br /><br />21.) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?<br /><br />22.) The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.<br /><br />23.) Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.<br /><br />24.) Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"<br /><br />

 

[Hooty]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Two Arabs were chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.<br />"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."<br />There's a pause...<br />The second Arab says wistfully, "Ah,they blow up so fast,don't they."<br /><br />c/6<br /><br />Hooty

 

[Siemers_d]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Two rednecks went hunting and one came home, Here is their story..................<br /> Bubba was sitting in his treestand when all of a sudden he hears Billybob hollar and a loud crash. So he rushes over to see what happened and there lies Bubba on the ground not moving, so he dials 911 on his cell phone and explains to the operator that Bubba has fallen out of his treestand,but Billybob doesn't know what to do and fears that his friend is dead. The operator tries to calm Billybob down and says the first thing he needs to do is to be sure that Bubba is dead, so Billybob says ok hold on.....after a pause and what the operator believes is a gunshot Billybob comes back on the phone and says........ok now what.....

 

[bobber head]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Cabbie picks up a fare - a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver just sits there, staring at her. <br /><br />She asks him why he's staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."<br /><br />"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, and have been a nun as long as<br />I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."<br /><br />"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."<br /><br />She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."<br /><br />The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I<br />am single and I'm Catholic too!"<br /><br />"OK" the nun says "Pull into the alley"<br /><br />He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they pull out onto the road, the cab driver starts crying.<br /><br />"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"<br /><br />"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."<br /><br />The nun says, "That's OK, my name is 'Steve', I just screwed up 27 days of activity on an internet forum board, and am on my way to a Halloween party."

 

[bobber head]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Meanwhile, back at the men's club...<br /><br />Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman, named 'Steve' were sitting naked in a sauna.<br />Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.<br /> <br />"That was my pager", he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."<br /><br />A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, <br /> <br />"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."<br /><br />The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. <br />He stepped out of he sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman<br />finally said:<br /><br />"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

An old farmer owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, and fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when he finished fixin' it up. <br /><br />One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. <br /><br />He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. <br /><br />One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" <br /><br />The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond nekkid. I only came to feed the alligator." <br /><br />Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and talent every time. <br />

 

[Scoop]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Where do you find a dog with no legs?<br /><br />Wherever you left him

 

[MJC]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

You folks crack me up! Man is that coffee hot comin' thru the nose - and what a mess on the keyboard..........<br />**************************************************<br />A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,<br />well-dressed, just past middle-aged gentleman.<br /><br />"Can I help you?" the madam asked.<br /><br />"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.<br /><br />"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone<br />else...<br /><br />"No, I must see Natalie."<br /><br />Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges<br />$1,000per visit.<br />Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed<br />her ten $100 bills. <br />The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man<br />calmly left.<br /><br />The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie<br />explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights <br />in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. <br />Again the man took out the money, the two  went up to the room and an hour <br />later he left.<br /><br />When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.<br />Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At <br />the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man.<br /><br />"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are <br />you from?"<br /><br />The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."<br /><br />"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have family who lives there."<br /><br />"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your<br />sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."<br /><br />MORAL<br />Some things in life are certain:<br />Death<br />Taxes<br />Being screwed by an attorney.

 

[Bart Sr.]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

....What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish????????Well,one is a slimy scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other one is a fish!!!!!!!!!!!THANKFULLY AND RESPECTFULLY>>BART SR.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Originally posted by Bart Sr.:<br /> ....What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish????????Well,one is a slimy scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other one is a fish!!!!!!!!!!!THANKFULLY AND RESPECTFULLY>>BART SR.

@BART

 

[bootle]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Yo! Spinner, i hope that you have'nt caught codsworth muttley's digging disease

 

[technostingray]

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

This post is an exemplification of scraping the bottom of the barrel.