tell me if you've heard this one

62_Kiwi · May 10, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Lying; She said she could tell whether her husband was lying, just by looking at his face. "Yes," she said. "If his lips are moving - he's lying." She fixed her eye on her husband and said: "So where are you going today?" "I'm goin' to to the pub." "HA! - when you tell me you are going to the pub I know that you think that I'll think that you are going fishing, but this time I KNOW that you are REALLY going to the pub.... - SO WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME?"

Bob_VT · May 10, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A group of blondes in a class at the University of Southern California were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student happened along, saw what they were trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to the others and laughed, "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" Another one. A redneck wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the redneck eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many D's are there in the Christmas song, 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'?" The next week, the redneck came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The redneck said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm...,OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the redneck, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," interrupted the coach. "How many D's are in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'?" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the redneck. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the redneck counted on his fingers as he sang, "Dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

crab bait · May 10, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

there's 2 blondes walkin' up a canal ,one on each side... one says to the other " yoohoo, how do ya get on the otherside " the other blonde looks up & down the bank an says " you are on the other side "

62_Kiwi · May 12, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new **** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'D@mn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Bob_VT · May 13, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Prepare For Battle! A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." The battle ended victoriously and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" A crewmember brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce fight, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ship's crew members asks the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request your red jacket?" The captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried about my condition." The crewmember agrees this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day, a massive fleet of pirate ships, ten in all, comes over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain, who yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"

Bob_VT · May 16, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived way out in the boondocks. After he'd spent the night, his grandfather fixed him bacon and eggs for breakfast. Noticing a heavy film on his plate and he questioned, "Grandpa,are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather replied, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later on that afternoon, and feeling a bit queasy, he decided to go to a nearby town for dinner. As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. He called out, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, Grandpa shouted back, "Coldwater, get your flea bitten ass out of the way"

62_Kiwi · May 17, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Political Definitions: CAPITALISM: You possess two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SOCIALISM: You possess two cows. The government confiscates one and gives it to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them both and provides you with milk. NAZISM: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them both and shoots you. EUROPEAN COMMON MARKET: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them, shoots one, milks the other and pours it down the drain.

62_Kiwi · May 24, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A Fairytale... Two young women were walking along a country lane when a large green frog jumped out before them and said "Please dear maidens... one of you kiss me and I will turn into a handsome prince." One girl quickly scooped up the frog and put it in her handbag. "Aren't you going to restore him to a prince?" asked her friend. "No. Princes are a dime a dozen - but a talking frog... now THERE is potential for makin' a dollar!"

ffchstr · Jun 9, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A man finds a bottle on the beach, and as he is rubbing all the crap off of it, a genie appears. The genie says to him "I shall grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, I will give your mother-in-law double". The man, who can't stand his mother-in-law, thinks for a minute and decides that something is better nothing, even if the the ol' battleaxe gets twice as much. His first wish is for $100 million. The genie grants it, and also gives the mother-in-law $200 million. His econd wish is for a beautiful house on a secluded lake. The genie grants this as well and gives the mother-in-law two houses. The man thinks for a moment, and then finally asks the genie to beat him half to death... Dave

MGuckin · Jun 13, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Goin' Fishin A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked. The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.64. The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell ? The kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer. The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? The kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing.

crab bait · Jun 14, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

LOL .. GOTTA LOVE IT..

ebbtide176 · Jun 14, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

i used to think my pop knew every joke in the world. now i realize all the jokes are the same few basic ones, just dressed up with a zillion diff scenarios...

so, here's another twist on the MotherNLaw one: a guy, his wife and momNlaw were vacationing in a foreign country, and were out perusing the various street vendor wares. the momNlaw, always the whiner, made an offcolor comment about the crude hygiene of the locals. well, a city official overheard this, and summoned up the guards to arrest them, as this was a serious affront to their culture and strictly forbidden. they were informed that this is normally punishable by death. but due to them being tourists from another nation, and the redtape involved with such legalities, their punishment would be caning. caning involves being beaten upon the back with a bamboo cane, and sometimes leads to a serious injury. they were told that either the momNlaw would be beaten severely, or they all 3 could be caned moderately. the sonNlaw was so p-o'd at the woman he was wanting to let her get it, but of course his wife wouldn't hear of it. the city official told them that since they were courageous and agreed to share the punishment with the momNlaw, they would be allowed 1 wish each prior to the caning. so the wife asks that a pillow be strapped to her back. she gets caned and still feels great pain. the momNlaw sees how serious the pain was, and asks that 2 pillows be strapped to her back. she feels only light pain. the guy requests they strap the momNlaw to his back...

derwood · Jun 14, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

i'm so glad i put up this post. you guys have all kinds of good jokes to tell. i did'nt know any, now i know a bunch. bravo guys.

ebbtide176 · Jun 14, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

ok, now fer the grandparent twist: a guy has been dating his woman for awhile, and she tells him she wants him to meet the family. so they go over to her grandparents house. she seats him in the livingroom while she goes to locate granny. he spots the candy dishes (all grandparents have)on the coffee table. one is chocolate covered peanuts, the other is plain peanuts. he thinks how considerate they must be, and starts munching on both. soon the grandparents come to meet him, and they chat for awhile. in keeping up the conversation, he mentioned the peanuts. the grandma tells him that grandpa loves chocolate, but since he doesn't have any teeth, he just licks the chocolate off, and puts the peanuts in the other bowl...

ebbtide176 · Jun 14, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

and for the rooster twist: (i'm hittin the Lite now so this may not come out as well as it should) this farmer was in a bind, his hens weren't producing like they should be. he decides he needs another rooster, so he checks out the newspaper. there inside-Brewster the Rooster-guaranteed to be the best stud service ever known in chicken raising businesses! so the farmer calls up the #. he made a deal and waited impatiently on the arrival of brewster. the guy shows up with brewster, and tells the farmer - "lets just open the door, let brewster out, and after a cup of coffee or two, we'll go see how brewster has 'taken care of business'! they're sitting at the kitchen table, and hear a big commotion in the farmyard. the farmer runs down to the chicken house. the hens are laying all splayed out everywhere! he runs outside and the ducks are unconscious too! he looks around- the sheep, goats, even the pigs have been done in... by this time the owner is looking around frantically, yelling "brewster, you've gone and done it now, you've gone too dam far!"... they look around the barnyard, by the pond, and then... they see him. he's laid out in the pasture. eyes closed. the owner asks the farmer if he'd go identify the remains, he can't stand to do it... the farmer walks on out... he gets nearby, and brewster opens one eye "shhhh, be still- buzzards!!"

crab bait · Jun 15, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

what does an 80 year old grandmother taste like..????................. depends......

Bob_VT · Jun 15, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

62_Kiwi · Jun 15, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

A Japanese tourist fronted the bank teller and presented his traveller's cheque. When he counted the cash he said: "How come I get less cash today than yesterday?" "Fluctuations," said the clerk. "And the bloody same to you." said the tourist.

MGuckin · Jun 16, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Microsft Software Development Team

MGuckin · Jun 16, 2002

Re: tell me if you've heard this one

Three Blondes Fishing Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

tell me if you've heard this one

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